The Role I Was Born To Play

Talk about coincidence. I finally got the comment filter on Blogger fixed and look what popped in last night from the Professor:

"If you want to work on your bucket list, I'm set to get my first IMDB recognition for directing for a short film. The main role is cast but the three remaining characters are listed as Jerk 1, Jerk 2, and Jerk 3. Maybe it's karma. It's probably going to be filmed around Hamilton if you're interested."

Look, if you had one shot, one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted in one moment
Would you capture it or just let it slip?

This is the role I was born to play.

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy

There's vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti

He's nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready to drop bombs,

But he keeps on forgetting what he wrote down,

I've been training my whole life for this chance. All the Italian jokes I took beatings for between 1976 and 1987. Captain Kirk's virginity. Doli Madison's minor weight problem. Gay baiting Stace for the better part of 20 years. Too many insults to even record or remember.

The whole crowd goes so loud

He opens his mouth, but the words won't come out
He's choking how, everybody's joking now
The clock's run out, time's up over, bloah!
Snap back to reality, Oh there goes gravity
Oh, there goes Rabbit, he choked
He's so mad, but he won't give up that
Easy, no

But what if I'm not up to it? What if there are even bigger and better jerks in Cincinnati? What kind of jerks come from Cincinnati?

Jerry Springer, inventor of white trash TV and noted prostitute check writer

Carmen Electra, media whore

John Boehner, Speaker of the House and noted obstructionist

Chad Ochocinco, football whore

Sam Wyche, former coach of the Bengals who told a rioting crowd "they weren't in Cleveland"

Nick Lachey, wife of Jessica Simpson

Simon Leis, famous cock block who prosecuted Larry Flint

Pete Rose, liar and gambler

Sarah Jessica Parker, horse-faced creator of worst TV show in history

Charles Keating, creator of the original savings and loan scandal

Marge Schott, colorful owner of the Reds who rubbed dog hair on her players for luck

Ted Turner, ex-husband of Jane Fonda and founder of CNN and TNT

I'm minor league compared to that jerk hall of fame. I left off at least 50 Cincinnati jerks because I got tired of typing.

He won't have it , he knows his whole back's to these ropes
It don't matter, he's dope
He knows that, but he's broke
He's so stagnant, he knows
When he goes back to his mobile home, that's when it's
Back to the lab again, yo
This whole rhapsody
He better go capture this moment and hope it don't pass him

Assuming the timing works out, which role should I apply for? Jerk 1 is too obvious. Jerk 2 is redundant. Jerk 3 has questionable motivations. Should I play all three roles like Adam Sandler or Eddie Murphy would? I'm willing to go drag, for purely artistic purposes of course.

You better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo
(You better)

Face it, at this point this is just a flimsy excuse to steal Eminem's lyrics.

(Yeah, he stopped trying three paragraphs ago.)

The soul's escaping, through this hole that is gaping
This world is mine for the taking
Make me king, as we move toward a new world order
A normal life is boring, but superstardom's close to post mortem
It only grows harder, only grows hotter
He blows us all over these hoes is all on him
Coast to coast shows, he's known as the globetrotter
Lonely roads, God only knows

I wonder what the casting couch is like when you're auditioning to be a jerk? Do I have to make the producer feel bad about himself? Cause for that I should just have sex with him.

He's grown farther from home, he's no father
He goes home and barely knows his own daughter
But hold your nose 'cause here goes the cold water
His hoes don't want him no more, he's cold product
They moved on to the next schmoe who flows
He nose dove and sold nada
So the soap opera is told and unfolds
I suppose it's old partner but the beat goes on
Da da dum da dum da da

If the timing works out, I'll be reporting from the set of the next blockbuster straight to download short film. I hope this happens, cause it sounds like a hell of a lot of fun.

You can do anything you set your mind to, man

I sure hope so Marshall.