Festivus For The Rest Of Us

As an Atheist, new friends occasionally ask me whether I celebrate Christmas. The answer is a resounding yes. I love Christmas!

Before you Evangelicals get all uppity and offended, Christmas celebrations are not limited to only Christians. Christmas is hugely popular in Hong Kong, Macao, Japan and Korea. Even though there are almost no Christians, their populations have readily adopted the secular aspects of Christmas; such as gift-giving, decorations and Christmas trees. It's quite a sight to see.

And no, I never heard anyone over there singing "Deck the Halls".

December 25th was likely selected as "Christmas Day" by the Roman Church in the early 4th century when they finalized the church calendar. It's abundantly clear from scripture that Jesus was not born in the Winter. So why did they choose December 25th? Well, when the church calendar was created most church holidays were placed on solar dates. In fact, John the Baptist's birthday is celebrated on the summer solstice. The respective equinoxes are celebrated as Jesus and John's dates of conception. They called this "cosmic symbolism".

I was lead to believe that Christmas was a corruption of Pagan solstice celebrations. According to historian S.E. Hijmans this may not have been the case. He believes that while the Church understood that pagans called this day the 'birthday' of Sol Invictus, this did not concern them and it did not play any role in their choice of date for Christmas.

Interesting... For those of you keeping score at home, I may have been wrong.

Dies Natalis Solis Invicti means "the birthday of the unconquered sun". This was a holiday started by the Roman emperor Aurelius around 274. Aurelius reformed and elevated an existing sun cult of the time and made it the preferred Roman religion. After Aurelius, Sol became the supreme deity of Rome until Christianity took hold. The Romans celebrated December 25th as the day the sun stopped its southern retreat and returned "unconquered".

Obviously one problem with this is that the actual solstice is and always has been on the 21st of December.

So where did our Christmas traditions come from anyway? Well, the idea of merrymaking and gift giving likely came from the Roman holiday of Saturnalia. Greenery, lights and charity from the Roman New Year celebration. The yule log is a tradition from pre-Christian German and Scandinavian feasts. Since Northern Europe was the last to convert to Christianity, many if not most Christmas traditions come from them. Like Christmas trees.

Did you know that people used to decorate Christmas trees with real candles? How crazy is that?

Enough about Christmas and its history. I want to talk about Festivus. Festivus is celebrated on December 23rd and was created when Frank Costanza refused to conform to the commercialism and consumerism of the holiday season. This aired on the Seinfeld episode "The Strike".

I lifted the next part directly from the Festivus website. Since I'm technically citing it, it's not plagiarism.

The Festivus Pole: The Costanzas' tradition begins with an aluminum pole, which Frank praises for its "very high strength-to-weight ratio." During Festivus, the unadorned Festivus Pole is displayed. The pole was chosen apparently in opposition to the commercialization of highly decorated Christmas trees, because it is "very low-maintenance," and also because the holiday's patron, Frank Costanza, "find[s] tinsel distracting."

The Airing of Grievances: At the beginning of the Festivus dinner, each participant tells friends and family of all the instances where they disappointed him or her that year. As quoted from Frank Costanza: "I've got a lot of problems with you people, and now you're going to hear about it!"

Festivus dinner: In "The Strike," a celebratory dinner is shown on the evening of Festivus prior to the Feats of Strength. The on-air meal appeared to be meat loaf or spaghetti in a red sauce. In "Festivus: The Holiday for the Rest of Us" by Allen Salkin, drinking is encouraged with hearty beer, rum, bourbon, or wine. In the episode, no alcohol was served, but George Costanza's boss, Mr. Kruger, drank from a flask.

The Feats of Strength: After the dinner, the head of the family tests his or her strength against one participant of the head's choosing. Festivus is not considered over until the head of the family has been pinned to the ground. A participant is allowed to decline to attempt to pin the head of the family only if they have something better to do instead.

And this brings us to my "Airing of The Grievances". I've got a lot of problems with you people, and now you're going to hear about it!

Everything about "The War on Christmas" totally pisses me off. There is no war on Christmas. Look, Christians are the majority. You can't be persecuted when you are the majority! Get over yourselves. When someone cuts you feet off for celebrating Christmas, then you can come running to me. Not having a frickin' manger in the town square isn't persecution.

For those of you who have been spamming me about the "Twelve Days of Christmas" being a secret Christian code, it's not. Just more Evangelical bullshit to make Christians feel persecuted in the most Christian country on earth. Look it up before you hit resend.

In Greek, the first letter of "Christ" is X (chi).  Hence the abbreviation Xmas. It's been this way since the mid-16th century. Unless the War on Christmas predates the Thirteen Colonies, it's not part of the "Atheist Plot to Take Christ Out of Christmas".

There is a plot, that just isn't part of it. Our real plot is way more sinister.

Traditionally the airing of the grievances should be done in person after the Festivus meal. Since we weren't able to meet in person, I'll just lay everything out right now.

@ Captain Kirk - Pick up the damn phone once in a while!

@ John - Really, would it kill you to blog more than once a quarter?

@ Sister Laurie - Get over yourself Polly Purebred and have some fun. It's a date. You don't need to pick out wedding china on your first night out.

@ Gary - See above. And no, you can't have my sister's number.

@ Stace - I just don't have enough time to cover all your problems. Suffice to say, there are a lot. A lot.

@ Al - You suck at golf as bad as you suck at darts.

@ Uncle Dave - You haven't pissed me off this year. Why don't you love me anymore?

@ Doli - Quit being so sensitive! It's only fantasy football. We still love you.

@ Mom - It wouldn't kill you to pick up the phone too. Maybe you and Kirk can form a support group?

@ Pat - You haven't pissed me off, but I wanted to include you so you wouldn't whine about being left out. Your Facebook status updates are lame. How about that?

@ Sherry - Kids lie. Even the good ones.

@ The Professor - How about publishing something in the near future? For a guy whose business is writing, you don't seem to do very much of it.

@ The Drewry's - Quit being so damn perfect. I hate that about you.

To everyone else, you all piss me off and I wouldn't want it any other way. If any of you feel the need to challenge me to "The Feats of Strength", form a line. I'll beat all of you down.

Happy belated Festivus, Merry Christmas and a joyous New Year to you and your families!!!