The Art of Conversation

I love getting mail about my blog. The responses I get are generally thought provoking, ofttimes touching and always inflate my ego. It's comforting to know there are other people out there.

And every once in a while I delude myself into thinking I may have helped someone else in a similar position.

This week I got a doozy. Johnny-Boy is my most articulate friend. But if you're familiar with my friends, that's no great compliment. I know I retired this blog earlier this week, but that was before I decided to publicly deconstruct a touching, personal, emotional letter from a friend for few cheap laughs.

And this is why I only have 60 Facebook friends...

Johnny-Boy is in purple, your humble scribe will be playing for the blue team.

***

Hey Bob,

Very interesting blog post.  I figured it would be better to reply privately rather than post a response visible to the world.

Too bad you didn't realize I'd post this anyway.

The unfortunate fact is, you'll never completely know why she decided to leave.  Frankly, she may not really know why she left either. Even if she told you right this minute why she left:

(a) you probably wouldn't believe her;
(b) she might not know the true reasons herself.

You are preaching to the choir brother. After thinking it over, I completely agree on both points.

You can drive yourself crazy speculating why she left, and it's not going to give you one bit of relief or peace.  At least it didn't for me.

This is about me John. Always remember that. I'm not your f'n therapist.

Even if you did know, would it make you feel any better?  Would it be preferable to hear that she left you because [fill in the character flaw or perceived shortcoming here]?

Truthfully, probably not. I would probably be crushed if she picked one of my obvious character flaws. I think I've convinced myself that I could somehow "fix" my mistakes in my next relationship, but the fact is that it's unlikely I'd be able to affect any real change anyway. And I'm not convinced I'd necessarily think of her criticisms as 'flaws'. I expect some of the characteristics she disliked are simply part of me.

Woody Allen said it best -- "The heart wants what the heart wants".  i.e., what we long for often cannot be explained or described rationally, but we simply "know" what we want, and it's difficult to swim upstream in that river.  (Granted, Woody said it in the context of banging his adopted daughter, but the idea still holds.)  I suspect that's what happened with your ex.  It's not something that you could have changed or done differently.

That was laugh out loud funny. And touching. "The heart wants what the heart wants." As a closeted romantic, the thought is very appealing to me.

I know, this is all hard to hear for an engineer type who applies the scientific method to everything.  But you really couldn't have done anything differently -- and even if you could, it would have required changing yourself in a way that would have made you somebody other than who you are.  It's not as though you made some "mistake" that you could have "fixed" or that you can "fix" the next time around.  Unfortunately, sometimes just being yourself isn't enough.

"Unfortunately sometimes just being yourself isn't enough." That hurt. But you are right, the changes that would have been required probably would have forced me to give up being "me". I'd never considered that before and I must admit to being shocked by the thought.

I also had the feelings of "everything is gone for good".  Yeah, in the sense of you and your ex and the kids as one family, those days are past tense.  But there's a lot more to life than just being married.  You still have your kids.  You'll still be able to have a lot of great times with them, and to be a good parent to them.  You still have your friends (and have probably gained a few new ones in the process).

I have gained many, many new friends. You know who you are. Not enough to get over 60, but a lot.

You still have your job, and your home, and money in the bank (maybe not as much as before, but you're not going to have to give blow jobs for rent money).

Like anyone would pay me for a blowjob... Try raising venture capital with that business plan.

It's cliche, but you have your health.  Maybe some of the good things are gone for good, but other good things will sprout to take their place.  You don't have to deny your ex's place in any of those memories, or make them any less good because she's in them.

Very true.

The last point I'll mention is that you're not exactly right (I was going to say "you're wrong", but that sounds nicer, don't you think?) when you say that it's only going to get worse. 

I'm never wrong. But I'll concede "not exactly right."

Yeah, the trial won't be fun.  It'll probably (I say "probably" because I never had to go through a contested divorce trial) feel like getting reamed up the ass with an umbrella.

You've never experienced a contested divorce, but you have been reamed by an umbrella? Kinky. At least I know what you West Side Singles do on the weekends.

But in a lot of ways, it will be anti-climactic.  Emotionally, the worst is over.  You've been split for almost a year now, and had almost a year to adjust to the new reality.  No, you're not completely over the experience yet, but you're a lot farther along now than you were last summer.  There aren't any more major surprises in store.  It's hard to see because it is not a type of progress that can be measured, but that doesn't mean it isn't real.  It's like one of those Zen / Buddhist things that Meixner used to talk about in AP English -- you'll know that you are ready to begin healing when you are done.

A Ms. Meixner reference? That's a low blow John. Are you trying to get me to cry? It's not going to work.

Life experiences are not like mountain peaks where you can see which ones are the tallest.  Knowing which part of the process was the worst is something you can determine only when looking back, never ahead.

You just jumped the poetic shark. But I know what you mean.

I lied and am going to make one other comment.  You mentioned the weather.  Don't be surprised if that really is a factor (I'm sure you've heard the term Seasonal Affect Disorder, or SAD).  Face it, we live in a region of the country that has weather that sucks hind tit from December through March.

At least you're not Detroit!

Unless you are truly strapped for every penny in your post-divorce budget, I'd suggest setting aside a few bucks throughout the year and taking a vacation somewhere around next February.

That is a great suggestion!

Four to five days of sunny and warm weather will reset the clock on the SAD-o-meter and make the craptastic winter more tolerable.  (This is "do as I say, not as I do" advice, as I haven't taken a winter vacation since I got divorced; I was going to do something this winter, but then started dating somebody regularly, which has its own positive effects.)  Pick a place like Puerto Rico or southern Florida or somewhere else that will be 70+ and sunny when it is snowing back home, and go enjoy yourself for a few days.

Congratulations on finding a squeeze. Not to be obvious, but unless she's wanted by the po-po she'd probably like to go to someplace warm too.

Assuming you and your ass-brella can get through the Homeland Security metal detectors.

Hang in there and good luck at the trial.

With friends like you it's a shoe-in.

Thanks.