The New Normal

Life is good.  The Indians are in first place.  Spring in Michigan is only four or five more weeks away.  And my divorce is finally over.

At approximately 11:00 AM on April 7th 2011 my marriage was legally dissolved.  In the eyes of the State of Michigan I am single.  No more invitations addressed to Mr. & Mrs. Kraus, no more joint tax returns, no more walking on eggshells.  My house is officially MY house.  It's me and Waffles against the world.

The sun came out as I exited the courthouse.  That's not a metaphor - it literally came out.  For one split second I was almost certain it was shining just for me.

Me and dog are slowly adjusting to our new "normal".  He's upped his napping to 14 hours a day.  I rarely sleep.  We take two to three long walks a day.  He barks at trucks that pass by, I ogle the neighborhood moms.  It's not a bad life.  The strange thing is that after everything I've been through I have an overwhelming urge to just be alone.  Which makes me lonely.

Odd. 

For those of you that care, I get 174 overnights a year with the kids (that's a lot).  I got the house and the dog.  She got anything else she felt like taking.  The kids aren't going anywhere.  It's a great deal for me.

I'm still not completely sure how I felt when the papers were finally signed.  I was relieved.  I was sad.  I was elated.  I felt a profound sense of disappointment.  I was excited for my future.  I felt like a failure.  I was confused.  I'm still confused and I'm still adjusting.  But now that the ugliness is over I can finally relax and let my guard down.  Right?

Right?

Tuesday I got a call from the police.

Does anyone like to get a phone call from the police?  Best case, this is cause for confusion.  Tuesday was no exception.  The officer identified himself and asked "Are you okay?"

What? Am I okay? I could probably give you a list of five people that would argue that point.


On the plus side, at least someone still cares if I'm alive.  Granted, he's paid by my tax dollars to care, but it counts.

"Um. Yeah. Why?"

"Well Mr. Kraus, we got a call from someone in Ohio who told us your ex-wife posted some pictures of you hanging from a tree on her Facebook account. And some pictures of her with guns.  The caption on the lynching pictures read 'It's cheaper than therapy.'"

"What?"

"Yeah. We're sorry to bother you Mr. Kraus, but procedure is to follow up on these items. Do you know where your ex-wife works?"

"Actually, no. I used to, but I have no idea if she still works there."

"Do you have an address for her?"

"Um. No. She never told me where she moved to."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Really. That sounds bad, doesn't it?  I think I can get it off the divorce papers."

"Okay..."

At this point the officer realized he was dealing with a dipshit who didn't have the common sense to protect himself.


And I don't even know where to start analyzing this.

The Ex and I have no Facebook friends in common.  She purged everyone who had any contact or communication with me.  Everyone.  I don't know a single person that she and I are both still in communication with, much less that I would call a friend.

This means that someone who doesn't even know me found the pictures disturbing enough to call the cops on my behalf!

Wow.  I really want to see those pictures now.

The cops did say that the report came from out of state.

The officer didn't provide any advice on what I should do to protect myself.  Captain Kirk thinks I should keep my head on a swivel and vary my routes and patterns.  Apparently he's been watching too many episodes of Burn Notice.

She's an angry ex, not a burned spy.  I hope.

I'm going to write this off as wish fulfillment on her part.  These last eight months couldn't have been any easier for her, and she's still got an enormous attorney bill to pay off.  If she wants to envision me hanging from a tree, more power to her.  She's not my problem any more.  I'd rather she moved on, but I'm not going to overreact.

But if I don't answer my phone for more than 24 hours, call the cops.

I'll leave you with a really crappy video embed from "Parks and Recreation".  This is Ron Swanson talking about the proper way to burn an ex-wife effigy.  Make sure you stand a SAFE DISTANCE away when you throw the isopropyl alcohol.

Funny stuff.

"Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die." - Carrie Fisher