Annus Miserablis

Annus Miserablis? I don't even need to translate that one, do I?

I hate explaining my jokes. Latin. "Horrible Year". Jeez!

I've had bad days, but nothing quite like the string of crappy days I've been facing these past few months. Some days it's been a real challenge just to crawl out of bed. Pretty much every day I say "Nothing can get worse." And then I get an email from my lawyer.

Funny thing, I've established several new email relationships with old and new friends. When the little 'You've Got Mail' icon pops up on my Palm Pre there's a brief rush of excitement.

"What could this be?"

"Who is about to bring joy into my life?"

"Are there naked pictures attached?"

No, I don't actually get any naked pictures. For most of my friends, this is a really good thing. For those of you who are not fat, hairy males, feel free to contribute.

But it really bums me out when I get email from my lawyer's office. He has two assistants, Gabriela and Samantha. I don't know either of these women, but I've come to think of them as the 'harbingers of doom'. I wonder what they look like? Would I appreciate them more if they included naked pictures?

I learned that in the 12th century, a harbinger was a "lodging-house keeper". The word derives from 'harbourer' or, as they spelled it then, 'herberer' or 'herberger'. It wasn't until the 13th century that the word came to mean a scout who went ahead of an army, and finally a sign or warning of bad things to come. Technically, "harbinger of doom" is redundant since the word already has a negative connotation. 

Recently I got an email from Samantha (harbinger #2) announcing that my custody deposition had been scheduled for my birthday. Wonderful! I can't imagine any place I'd rather spend my 42nd birthday than the Friend of the Court going over every one of my financial documents from the last two years.

Well, unless we can add a couple of lawyers.

And I get to pick up the tab? Oh joy!

My crappy year got me thinking about the concept of the 'best year ever'. I've had some great years. For me, my best year so far was probably 1991 or 1992. I was living with Best Friend Brian on Jefferson Avenue in Cincinnati. I didn't have a care in the world. My days were spent studying whatever I wanted. My evenings were filled by great friends and conversation. My weekends were spent pasting my friends on the football field before getting pasted each night.

But that's not the 'Best Year Ever'. The title of 'Best Year Ever' has to go to Albert Einstein in 1905 - and there is no second place. 1905 is commonly referred to as Einstein's Annus Mirabilis (Miracle Year). The title refers to the Annus Mirabilis Papers published by Albert Einstein in 1905. These four papers published in the German Annalen der Physik journal forever changed our views on space, time and matter. And 105 years later still form the basis of much of modern physics.

At the time of publication, Einstein was only 26 years old. Let me say that again so it sinks in. When he completely redefined objective reality Einstein was 26 years old. When I was 26 years old I was still trying to figure out the difference between shit and Shineola. And I wasn't very successful. I was 24 before I even graduated from college.

Can you imagine being the editor of Annalen der Physik that year? The editor at the time was Paul Karl Ludwig Drude. Every few months some punk kid is submitting another unsupported paper redefining decades or even century old ideas about light, energy, time, space or matter. "Well Mr. Einstein, we like your paper, but do you think you could you punch it up a little bit? The whole thing on Special Relativity is just a little dry. What if we add some cartoons of astronauts. Oh wait, astronauts don't exist yet? Go with bicycles. Or clocks."

The four papers were on the photoelectric effect, Brownian motion, special relativity and matter-energy equivalence. Not clear enough?

Have none of you spent years studying theoretical physics? What is wrong with you?

Photoelectric Effect
The photoelectric effect defines and describes energy quanta. Einstein proposed that light could only be emitted or absorbed in discrete quantities. These discrete quantities were later defined to be "photons". Einstein, a patent clerk at the time, directly contradicted the existing wave theory of light. It took sixteen years for the rest of the scientific community to accept his theory completely. Later, this paper became the foundation of quantum mechanics. He won the Nobel prize in 1921 for this discovery.

Much later, quantum mechanics was polluted by Deepak Chopra and many other charlatans to explain the magical power of positive thinking. No, it doesn't work. You can throw your copy of "The Secret" in the recycling bin. Wishing doesn't equal work.

If you want more evidence, click here. Michael Shermer does a much better job explaining this quackery than I ever could.

That doesn't mean I'm against inspirational books in general. I like inspirational books. I just think they should stick to reality. It's good to have a positive attitude and think positive thoughts, but without hard work you're just engaging in mental masturbation.

Brownian Motion
This paper proved the existence of atoms. "Brownian motion" describes the motion of small particles suspended in a stationary liquid. If you mix very small particles in water and look at them under a microscope you will see them moving around haphazardly like the chips on a Plinko board.

What is with my fascination with Plinko and "The Price is Right"?

While this had been observed for decades, before Einstein's paper no one could explain the cause of the motion. I won't get into the details, but Einstein's explanation for the motion conclusively proved the existence of the atom. That's right, using a pencil, paper and microscope Einstein proved that all matter was made of atoms.

Special Relativity
First off, don't confuse special relativity with general relativity. General relativity wasn't invented until 1916 and special relativity had nothing to do with gravity. In this paper Einstein reconciled the laws of electricity and magnetism with the laws of mechanics by redefining time, distance, mass and energy in a way that was consistent with electromagnetism. This is the paper that proved nothing can move faster than the speed of light, and time is not 'fixed', but is relative to a body's velocity.

Sorry, that's just about as simple as I can make it. 'Special Relativity' is heady stuff even for me. 'General Relativity' really takes it to the next level.

Matter and Energy Equivalence



Is that clear enough for you? It's only the most famous equation in all of physics. It's the basis of the nuclear bomb, the nuclear fusion that powers the sun and the nuclear reactions used for power generation.

Not bad for twelve months, eh? Any one of the papers would have made him a physics legend. The fact he published four put him in the same discussion as Sir Isaac Newton.  Publishing all four in the same year? Mind blowing. It would be like one athlete winning the football, baseball and basketball MVP awards in the same season.

Or the EGOT. Give a shout-out to our 30 Rock fans! I wanted to find a clip of the EGOT, but this will have to do. Why are my therapy sessions nothing like this?

At this point in my posts I generally try to shoehorn some boobs in, but it just ain't happening for me tonight. How about Marisa Tomei in 'The Wrestler'? She'll be 46 this year.

For me personally, this has been more of an Annus Miserablis. Obviously the change that is occurring around me is not conducive to great physics discoveries. I'm lucky to 'discover' change in the dryer right now. But the changes I am making are helping me to redefine what is important to me and they have had some measurable positive benefits.

I haven't written anything 'creative' since Ms. Meixner's 12th grade AP English class at Parma Senior. That was 'only' 24 years ago. And yet, here I am blogging (for free) and getting suckers like you to read my scrawlings. I've had almost 500 page views - that's probably more than the Detroit News this week.

Wow, I'm glad I'm not in the newspaper business.

I managed to spend nine years in college and never walked into an English classroom. Not even by accident. That's got to be a record. I'm not saying I'm proud of that fact, it just sort of happened. There was always something just a little more interesting. On the other hand, I am an engineer. We're hardly known for our communication skills.

You think it shows?

There are other positives. I've rediscovered some old friends. I've initiated a few new friendships. I've lost a lot of weight. I'm exercising again. I feel better about myself and I'm really starting to like the guy I see staring back at me in the mirror.

I wouldn't wish divorce on anyone, but it's not just an ending. It's also an opportunity. But to take advantage of that opportunity to need to accept and embrace the change that comes along with it. I'm just now beginning to understand that.

Notes on Writing

I was re-reading some of my blog posts last night (to get my page views up) when it became apparent that for a guy who's been seriously screwed over, there seems to be a lack of anger in my writing. Where is the righteous outrage that would be expected of a guy who was "done wrong"? Shouldn't I be tossing off caustic bon mots and casual insults left and right?

(This is where I had 5,000 boring, self involved words on why I am so angry.)

Well, no.

New Buddy John turned me on to the following quote from Carrie Fisher: "Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die."

And it makes for terrible writing.

Bob's keys to good writing:

1) Know your audience.  In my case this is easy since I have about five regular readers. Apparently one of whom is my ex-wife!

2) Have something interesting to write about. Up until three months ago I couldn't have filled a pamphlet with my musings on life. To be a good (or great) writer you need to experience pain. Much like the old Chinese curse, you need to "live in interesting times."

If you stop to consider, many (most?) great writers had their own demons. Hunter S. Thompson, Ernest Hemingway, F. Scott Fitzgerald, William Faulkner. Great writing seems to come with great pain.

***

Ancient Greek drama consisted of three dramatic genres. Tragedy was developed around 550 BC, satyr plays were invented in 501 BC and comedy followed in 486 BC.  Apparently 'satyr plays' were "tragicomedies similar in spirit to modern burlesque that featured choruses of satyrs." No, I didn't know this either. They featured "drunkenness, brazen sexuality, pranks, sight gags and general merriment."

Kind of sounds like the ancient world's Harold and Kumar to me. In fact, it sounds pretty damn entertaining. Sign me up!

FYI - satyrs are the half man / half goat guys that run through the woods playing the pan flute like Zamfir.

And that was my clumsy transition to waste 2,000 words on "Zamfir". Was it obvious?

Am I the only one who remembers Gheorghe Zamfir? "He's sold over 20 million records worldwide." "The master of the pan flute, Gheorghe Zamfir." This commercial was on about every twenty minutes when I came home from school.


Click here to see the commercial!

When I was a kid we only had one channel that showed anything of interest to a nine year old. That was Channel 43. They'd show "The Little Rascals", "The Three Stooges" or Japanese imports about giant flying robots. Like "Johnny Sokko and His Flying Robot."

Fine, I'll link that one too. How did we live before YouTube? And who the heck posts all this old nostalgic garbage anyway?

Click here to see Johnny Sokko in action!

Channel 43 had crappy ratings and the few people who were watching were either senior citizens on fixed incomes or kids like me who had no money and were too young to drive to Parmatown Mall to buy anything - hardly a marketer's wet dream.

"Relax as Zamfir sweeps you away to a world of haunting, tranquil beauty." I can still hear those damn words in my head today. How do you sell 20 million records without your damn record being available in stores? What's Zamfir got against stores? Did he have a bad experience? It's not like they had iTunes back then.

Add this to the growing list of things that piss me off.

Did you know that Zamfir's music was featured extensively in the "The Karate Kid"? The real one, not the one with Will Smith's kid. And Quentin Tarantino's "Kill Bill Vol. 1"? I didn't. I also found out that Zamfir is still alive. He'll be 70 in April. Doesn't the guy in the commercial look a lot older than 40? He would have been only a little over 30 when that thing was taped.

Thank you Wikipedia, or as I call it "Lazy People's Often Inaccurate Research".

Tragedy has fallen out of favor in modern society. Perhaps tragedy appealed to the Greeks due to the difficulty and harshness of life at the time. In our current pampered civilization audiences can't handle bad news. Nowadays if you don't have a happy ending you can pretty much forget about your movie making money. Oscars? Maybe. Money? No way.

Would "Slumdog Millionaire" have been better or worse if they had just given Jamal the beatdown after he answered the final question to win the million rupees? They could have dragged him behind the studio and tossed his ass in a ditch. I don't know if the story would have been better, but I know it would have grossed about $100 million less.

I mean, if your script features Iron Man becoming a drunk, killing his father, marrying his mother and then killing himself after discovering the truth you're going to have a hard time finding financing. Yes, even if Pepper Potts goes topless.

Gwyneth Paltrow is my kind of woman.  37 years old. Hot. Not anorexic. Yeah...


Oh yeah... Those are some great middle aged boobs. This whole diatribe on tragedy was purely to work in Gwyneth Paltrow's boobs. And I am not ashamed.

Great comedy and tragedy come from the same place - fear. We laugh at the things that make us uncomfortable. The best comedy at its root pokes fun at our fears. Why is America's Funniest Home Videos so popular? Because they show at least seven 'nut shots' an episode. Nothing is scarier than taking a shot to the junk, right gentlemen?

Racist jokes? Xenophobia.

AIDS jokes? Fear of death.

Political jokes? Fear of authority.

Gay jokes? Fear of our own homosexual urges. (Not me, of course. I'm talking about everyone else.)

Carrot top? He scares me.

Like it or not, we all fear the loss that comes with divorce. I think this is why my blog has been so effortless. I have a bottomless pit of pain and fear to draw from for both tragedy and comedy. It's my personal key to good writing.

So how much more material do I have? Well, based on recent events, I think I'll have enough pain (tragedy) and fear (comedy) to carry this blog for at least the next six months.

After that, well, I could get used to having nothing to say.

How to Properly Host a Pity Party

I've been a little irritable lately. By "a little irritable" I mean I'm primed and ready to explode. I'm doing all the right things (exercising, eating once in a while, getting at least three hours of sleep a night) yet the stress of "the process" is getting to me.

Earlier this week I inadvertently took out some of my frustration on the Princess of Darkness. The Princess suggested a time limit for my "pity party" and I lost it. Looking at it now, the remark was rather innocuous. I don't believe there was any malice intended, but man did it piss me off.

I responded rather mildly, all things considered. I didn't even drop an F-bomb, which for me is using kid gloves. But I was still wrong. If she ever calls me I probably owe her an apology.

Good thing no one ever calls.

So why does the idea of a "pity party" piss me off so much? Probably because it implies that the guest of honor (me) is a passive observer. I'm a problem solver. Give me any situation and I'll examine the strategic and tactical objectives and quickly develop and implement a plan of action. It might blow up in my face, but I'll damn well go down swinging.

Okay, it often blows up in my face.

I think that's a guy thing. I'm generalizing, but since it's my blog I can pretty much do what I want. Women seem to want to talk about their problems just to talk. Men talk to get solutions.

When a friend says "I can't sleep." I respond "Go see your doctor and get some Xanax." Problem solved, right?

If that friend has a vagina, then no. You fail. Epic fail in fact. You've probably inadvertently pissed her off by telling her what to do.

I was going to say 'boobs', but that can get confusing when you have as many 40 year old male friends as I do. We all have boobs to some degree.

If your friend is a woman, the correct response is probably more like "Why can't you sleep?" Or "What's keeping you up?" or even "Oh, that's terrible. Tell me all about it." I've jacked that one up more times than I care to admit. I fall into this trap with Sister Laurie all the time.

Add it to the list of 'Shit I Learned The Hard Way'.

Sitting passively while things happen around me just isn't my style. I think that is a major cause of the stress I'm feeling about the process. I asked my attorney last week during our lovely face to face "Is there any way to get this moving along?"

His response was pretty simple. "No."

He glanced lovingly at my wallet as he explained that Macomb County has a well defined process and the clock was already running. Everything that is required - Friend of the Court, custody hearings, meetings with the referee and couples counseling was moving forward according to the pre-defined timetable. There was simply nothing for us to do. Well, other than waste money fighting my wife's frivolous motions and filing our own motions to protect my parental and property rights.

Tick-tock cha-ching!

When I'm in my attorney's office all I can think about is how I'm being charged by the minute. My whole goal is to get in and get out as fast as possible. I don't even want to shake his hand. That action alone probably cost me $5.  Our reviews are like some deranged speed dating.

Him "How do you want to respond?"

Me "Tell her no. Next question!"

Him "Do you have any other concerns?"

Me "No! I gave you all my concerns in writing."

Him "Are you sure?"

Me "Yes! Can I go now?"

You would think I had Icy Hot in my undershorts the way I wiggle and squirm in his office.

For those of you who don't live in Michigan, Michigan state law requires a six month waiting period before a divorce can be finalized where minor children are involved. It doesn't matter if you and your wife have agreed to everything right down to the penny. If you have a son who's 17 years 182 days old, you wait six months.

If any of you care about the process in Michigan, it's pretty straightforward. One of the spouses first files a complaint for divorce. Effectively, you are suing your spouse. It's not much different from suing your neighbor over his fence being on your property.

That is followed by the summons. The court assigns a process server to track you down and hand you your divorce papers when you least expect it. This is typically right before your life hits bottom. I suggest you have your friends on speed dial before this point.

After the service, comes discovery. You and your spouse disclose EVERYTHING to your attorneys. Every asset, every tax return, every debt. At this point your attorneys know exactly how much they are going to bill you for. There will be depositions and your spouse will try to present anything and everything to show that you are a total piece of crap that deserves to give her all your money in perpetuity and never be allowed to see your kids without supervision.

During discovery the friend of the court (FOC) will also get involved. The FOC will make recommendations on child custody, child support, visitation and division of property to the judge.

Finally, there will be a hearing. If there are still open issues, the hearing will become a trial. And yes, you can petition for a jury trial in Michigan. I'm not sure why anyone would want to go through a jury trial, but it does happen. At the conclusion of the trial the the judge will enter a judgment for the dissolution of the marriage as well as child custody, support and visitation.

If you still have questions, just Google "Divorce Process in Michigan". You'll get over 5 million results. Really - try it.

There are no shortage of divorce attorneys ready and willing to encourage you to "File first." They'll tell you anything to get you to file. I'll get you the kids! You can keep the house! Yes, I can get him to pay you an obscene amount of spousal support! Sure, I can make your wife wear a scarlet 'A' when she leaves the house! Whatever you want! It's terrible actually. The plain fact of the matter is that it doesn't matter who files first. What does matter is who is willing to compromise their integrity to get what they want. The one who is willing to slither lower will probably be the 'winner'. This is one game where fair play is penalized and being the bigger person only makes you the bigger target.


I'm taking a beating on this one, but I'm leaving with my integrity. It may be all I leave with, but I'm pretty sure I'll be holding my head high at the end.

If there is one thing I haven't done yet, it's been to feel sorry for myself. Frankly, I haven't had time. I feel sorry for my kids and what my soon to be ex-wife is putting them through. I feel sorry for my friends who are putting up with my bullshit.

Sorry friends...

I even feel sorry for my wife. She still has no idea what she has gotten herself into or what is coming her way once this process starts rolling.

But no, I don't feel sorry for myself. Not yet anyway.