Annus Miserablis

Annus Miserablis? I don't even need to translate that one, do I?

I hate explaining my jokes. Latin. "Horrible Year". Jeez!

I've had bad days, but nothing quite like the string of crappy days I've been facing these past few months. Some days it's been a real challenge just to crawl out of bed. Pretty much every day I say "Nothing can get worse." And then I get an email from my lawyer.

Funny thing, I've established several new email relationships with old and new friends. When the little 'You've Got Mail' icon pops up on my Palm Pre there's a brief rush of excitement.

"What could this be?"

"Who is about to bring joy into my life?"

"Are there naked pictures attached?"

No, I don't actually get any naked pictures. For most of my friends, this is a really good thing. For those of you who are not fat, hairy males, feel free to contribute.

But it really bums me out when I get email from my lawyer's office. He has two assistants, Gabriela and Samantha. I don't know either of these women, but I've come to think of them as the 'harbingers of doom'. I wonder what they look like? Would I appreciate them more if they included naked pictures?

I learned that in the 12th century, a harbinger was a "lodging-house keeper". The word derives from 'harbourer' or, as they spelled it then, 'herberer' or 'herberger'. It wasn't until the 13th century that the word came to mean a scout who went ahead of an army, and finally a sign or warning of bad things to come. Technically, "harbinger of doom" is redundant since the word already has a negative connotation. 

Recently I got an email from Samantha (harbinger #2) announcing that my custody deposition had been scheduled for my birthday. Wonderful! I can't imagine any place I'd rather spend my 42nd birthday than the Friend of the Court going over every one of my financial documents from the last two years.

Well, unless we can add a couple of lawyers.

And I get to pick up the tab? Oh joy!

My crappy year got me thinking about the concept of the 'best year ever'. I've had some great years. For me, my best year so far was probably 1991 or 1992. I was living with Best Friend Brian on Jefferson Avenue in Cincinnati. I didn't have a care in the world. My days were spent studying whatever I wanted. My evenings were filled by great friends and conversation. My weekends were spent pasting my friends on the football field before getting pasted each night.

But that's not the 'Best Year Ever'. The title of 'Best Year Ever' has to go to Albert Einstein in 1905 - and there is no second place. 1905 is commonly referred to as Einstein's Annus Mirabilis (Miracle Year). The title refers to the Annus Mirabilis Papers published by Albert Einstein in 1905. These four papers published in the German Annalen der Physik journal forever changed our views on space, time and matter. And 105 years later still form the basis of much of modern physics.

At the time of publication, Einstein was only 26 years old. Let me say that again so it sinks in. When he completely redefined objective reality Einstein was 26 years old. When I was 26 years old I was still trying to figure out the difference between shit and Shineola. And I wasn't very successful. I was 24 before I even graduated from college.

Can you imagine being the editor of Annalen der Physik that year? The editor at the time was Paul Karl Ludwig Drude. Every few months some punk kid is submitting another unsupported paper redefining decades or even century old ideas about light, energy, time, space or matter. "Well Mr. Einstein, we like your paper, but do you think you could you punch it up a little bit? The whole thing on Special Relativity is just a little dry. What if we add some cartoons of astronauts. Oh wait, astronauts don't exist yet? Go with bicycles. Or clocks."

The four papers were on the photoelectric effect, Brownian motion, special relativity and matter-energy equivalence. Not clear enough?

Have none of you spent years studying theoretical physics? What is wrong with you?

Photoelectric Effect
The photoelectric effect defines and describes energy quanta. Einstein proposed that light could only be emitted or absorbed in discrete quantities. These discrete quantities were later defined to be "photons". Einstein, a patent clerk at the time, directly contradicted the existing wave theory of light. It took sixteen years for the rest of the scientific community to accept his theory completely. Later, this paper became the foundation of quantum mechanics. He won the Nobel prize in 1921 for this discovery.

Much later, quantum mechanics was polluted by Deepak Chopra and many other charlatans to explain the magical power of positive thinking. No, it doesn't work. You can throw your copy of "The Secret" in the recycling bin. Wishing doesn't equal work.

If you want more evidence, click here. Michael Shermer does a much better job explaining this quackery than I ever could.

That doesn't mean I'm against inspirational books in general. I like inspirational books. I just think they should stick to reality. It's good to have a positive attitude and think positive thoughts, but without hard work you're just engaging in mental masturbation.

Brownian Motion
This paper proved the existence of atoms. "Brownian motion" describes the motion of small particles suspended in a stationary liquid. If you mix very small particles in water and look at them under a microscope you will see them moving around haphazardly like the chips on a Plinko board.

What is with my fascination with Plinko and "The Price is Right"?

While this had been observed for decades, before Einstein's paper no one could explain the cause of the motion. I won't get into the details, but Einstein's explanation for the motion conclusively proved the existence of the atom. That's right, using a pencil, paper and microscope Einstein proved that all matter was made of atoms.

Special Relativity
First off, don't confuse special relativity with general relativity. General relativity wasn't invented until 1916 and special relativity had nothing to do with gravity. In this paper Einstein reconciled the laws of electricity and magnetism with the laws of mechanics by redefining time, distance, mass and energy in a way that was consistent with electromagnetism. This is the paper that proved nothing can move faster than the speed of light, and time is not 'fixed', but is relative to a body's velocity.

Sorry, that's just about as simple as I can make it. 'Special Relativity' is heady stuff even for me. 'General Relativity' really takes it to the next level.

Matter and Energy Equivalence



Is that clear enough for you? It's only the most famous equation in all of physics. It's the basis of the nuclear bomb, the nuclear fusion that powers the sun and the nuclear reactions used for power generation.

Not bad for twelve months, eh? Any one of the papers would have made him a physics legend. The fact he published four put him in the same discussion as Sir Isaac Newton.  Publishing all four in the same year? Mind blowing. It would be like one athlete winning the football, baseball and basketball MVP awards in the same season.

Or the EGOT. Give a shout-out to our 30 Rock fans! I wanted to find a clip of the EGOT, but this will have to do. Why are my therapy sessions nothing like this?

At this point in my posts I generally try to shoehorn some boobs in, but it just ain't happening for me tonight. How about Marisa Tomei in 'The Wrestler'? She'll be 46 this year.

For me personally, this has been more of an Annus Miserablis. Obviously the change that is occurring around me is not conducive to great physics discoveries. I'm lucky to 'discover' change in the dryer right now. But the changes I am making are helping me to redefine what is important to me and they have had some measurable positive benefits.

I haven't written anything 'creative' since Ms. Meixner's 12th grade AP English class at Parma Senior. That was 'only' 24 years ago. And yet, here I am blogging (for free) and getting suckers like you to read my scrawlings. I've had almost 500 page views - that's probably more than the Detroit News this week.

Wow, I'm glad I'm not in the newspaper business.

I managed to spend nine years in college and never walked into an English classroom. Not even by accident. That's got to be a record. I'm not saying I'm proud of that fact, it just sort of happened. There was always something just a little more interesting. On the other hand, I am an engineer. We're hardly known for our communication skills.

You think it shows?

There are other positives. I've rediscovered some old friends. I've initiated a few new friendships. I've lost a lot of weight. I'm exercising again. I feel better about myself and I'm really starting to like the guy I see staring back at me in the mirror.

I wouldn't wish divorce on anyone, but it's not just an ending. It's also an opportunity. But to take advantage of that opportunity to need to accept and embrace the change that comes along with it. I'm just now beginning to understand that.

My Bucket List

First of all, I despise the title of this post. It's derivative, uninspired and not remotely clever.

Okay, fine, it fits with most of my other titles.

Last Sunday morning I woke up around 7:30 - well before the kids would be up and about. In my house this is the 'Golden Hour' - the hour before the broken record gets stuck on "Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!" Enjoying the peace and quiet I gave the dog a quick scratch and headed to the bathroom to clean up. My master bath is pretty large and has a separate tub and shower. The shower is by far my favorite thing about the house. I installed an additional 50 gallon hot water heater to supplement the original 60 gallon heater. Needless to say, it is nearly impossible to run out of hot water.

About 20 minutes in I smelled the unmistakable scent of my soon to be ex-wife's perfume. I panicked and had a 'fight or flight' reaction. I could feel the adrenaline and cortisol hit my system as the hair on the back of my neck stood up. My senses snapped to attention. I was tensed and ready to defend myself from the coming attack!

It was a false alarm. The ex had left the house well before I even got out of bed. Apparently she couldn't sleep either.

Guilt maybe?

I have no idea what triggered the recognition of the scent. Perhaps it was imagined. Maybe it was a mini-stroke. Who knows? But it sure scared the crap out of me.

Six months ago I would have trusted this person with my life. That day I reacted like a pack of hungry wolves had broken through my bedroom door.

Which brings me to the point of this post, fear. How many opportunities are missed because of irrational fear? The fear of embarrassment? The fear of failure?

To tackle my fear I've decided to start a "bucket list". For those of you who have been living in the jungles of Borneo for the last decade, a bucket list is a "list" of "things" to "do" before you die, or "kick the bucket". Once, many, many years ago while in college I made a list of all the things I wanted to accomplish in my life. Then I got high and forgot where I left the list. I don't remember much about that particular list, except that many of my objectives involved sex, drugs or rock & roll (I was about 20 at the time). Since then I've kind of drifted from choice to choice and place to place without any real long term plan.

Great anti-drug message there. Smoke dope and end up like me.

That is not to say I haven't seen my share of success. I've collected several advanced degrees, I've enjoyed professional success, I've travelled the world, and I started a family. It's been a good 20 year run. But now it's time to start planning for the next twenty.

Up until now all of my objectives were driven by responsibility rather than creativity. I think that may have been a mistake and I'm going to try to fix that moving forward by challenging myself.

In fact, at some point the name of this blog is going to change from "Letting Go" to "Moving Forward". Not today, but probably sooner than I expect.

Here we go:

1) Become a teacher. Any kind of teacher - I don't care if it's community college intramural soccer. When I was in college (the first time) I seriously considered hanging around to get my PhD with the objective of becoming a professor. I went so far as to apply to Stanford, UC Berkley and Cincinnati for graduate school (only Berkley and Cincinnati accepted me). Obviously I chose to take a different path, but I think I've got the right background and temperament for the work and I think I'd be damn good at it. For me, it would be personally rewarding to help another person reach for his or her full potential. I have a lot of respect for teachers. The effect of a good teacher is not limited to just the classroom. In the right setting it can change your life.

This one is going to take some significant forward planning on my part and may end up outside of my 20 year window. The pay off will be worth it.

2) Learn a foreign language. I can "get by" in Spanish, German and Portuguese. By "get by", I mean travel around the country, find a toilet and feed myself. But having a conversation about anything other than the basic necessities is pretty much out of the question. I feel handicapped only speaking English - it's so unfashionable to be monolingual. I've decided to take the next step and become conversational in at least one other language. (This applies to my kids too.)

3) Live in a foreign country for at least a year. If the Republicans take over, I'm definitely on my way out. This would dovetail nicely with #2, but with my luck I'll end up in Canada. My objective here is to experience life from a different viewpoint. I look at the world through Midwestern "Cleveland" eyes. In my travels I've noticed significant cultural differences that affect the very way that residents think.

4) Run for public office. Yup. I don't even care about winning. I just want to be able to walk into a voting booth one time and vote for the best available candidate - Me. Maybe the Green Party needs a candidate for an obscure county commissioner position? I have to figure out some way to get my name on a ballot. I probably won't even vote for myself - I'll just take the ballot home and frame it.

5) Bowl in a tournament. I'm a damn good bowler and there is no good reason I haven't done this already. This is an issue of courage, not ability. Time to find my stones and take a risk. There are worse things in life than losing - for instance, not trying. I learned that from number 6.

6) "Tell me, have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?" I had my chance with the Princess of Darkness and passed. On the Plinko board of life, there's been only one time where I felt like I ended up on the wrong side of the wire. I can clearly remember the exact moment. I had a choice - to risk everything or take the easy way out. I chose poorly.

It's going to take years, but before I die I'm going to fix that mistake.

7) Take ballroom dance lessons. No, this isn't gay. I don't want to be a dancer, I just want to take lessons. I enjoy learning new things and this one seems like a real stretch for me. I love the scene in True Lies where Arnold Schwarzenegger dances the tango with Jamie Lee Curtis. I want to pass a rose back and forth with a partner. Yes, a female partner - knock off the gay jokes. But I think I'll need said female partner before attacking this one. Applications can be submitted in the comments section. The lessons might even come in handy if my kids ever get married.

8) Act in a play or movie. I'm not talking about portraying Willie Loman. I'm thinking party guest #2 who has one spoken line. Local theater productions need extras. I'm going to have extra time. It's a perfect match. This is another one of those 'stretch' objectives to get me out of my comfort zone. I think by putting oneself in uncomfortable situations it forces personal growth. If I can stand on stage, hit my marks and enunciate clearly I'll have learned something about my personal capabilities. But where to start?

9) Go back to school for one more degree completely unrelated to my first two. I believe learning is a lifelong process. Recent studies have shown the human brain to be flexible and adaptable all through adulthood. There is no physical reason why grandma can't figure out the TV remote. She can't figure out the remote because she's not willing to challenge herself - she's too comfortable. I don't ever want to find myself in that comfort zone where I have to ask my kids to explain how my new neural implant web browser works.

"No Dad, you need to double click right lobe before opening the amygdala connection."

10) Write a blog. Check. Been there, done that, waiting for the T-shirts to get back from the printer.

Looking back over the list, there are about five items that scare the crap out of me.

Dance lessons? WTF was I thinking?

But if you had told me six months ago that I'd be sharing my most personal fears and failures with the world on Blogspot, I'd have thought you were nuts too.

I figure we all get one chance at life. Living your life being tentative or afraid doesn't prevent unhappiness, it just makes life less exciting. I'm choosing a little fear over the comfort of the mundane.

"A well spent day brings happy sleep, so a life well spent brings happy death." - Leonardo Da Vinci