My Bucket List

First of all, I despise the title of this post. It's derivative, uninspired and not remotely clever.

Okay, fine, it fits with most of my other titles.

Last Sunday morning I woke up around 7:30 - well before the kids would be up and about. In my house this is the 'Golden Hour' - the hour before the broken record gets stuck on "Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!" Enjoying the peace and quiet I gave the dog a quick scratch and headed to the bathroom to clean up. My master bath is pretty large and has a separate tub and shower. The shower is by far my favorite thing about the house. I installed an additional 50 gallon hot water heater to supplement the original 60 gallon heater. Needless to say, it is nearly impossible to run out of hot water.

About 20 minutes in I smelled the unmistakable scent of my soon to be ex-wife's perfume. I panicked and had a 'fight or flight' reaction. I could feel the adrenaline and cortisol hit my system as the hair on the back of my neck stood up. My senses snapped to attention. I was tensed and ready to defend myself from the coming attack!

It was a false alarm. The ex had left the house well before I even got out of bed. Apparently she couldn't sleep either.

Guilt maybe?

I have no idea what triggered the recognition of the scent. Perhaps it was imagined. Maybe it was a mini-stroke. Who knows? But it sure scared the crap out of me.

Six months ago I would have trusted this person with my life. That day I reacted like a pack of hungry wolves had broken through my bedroom door.

Which brings me to the point of this post, fear. How many opportunities are missed because of irrational fear? The fear of embarrassment? The fear of failure?

To tackle my fear I've decided to start a "bucket list". For those of you who have been living in the jungles of Borneo for the last decade, a bucket list is a "list" of "things" to "do" before you die, or "kick the bucket". Once, many, many years ago while in college I made a list of all the things I wanted to accomplish in my life. Then I got high and forgot where I left the list. I don't remember much about that particular list, except that many of my objectives involved sex, drugs or rock & roll (I was about 20 at the time). Since then I've kind of drifted from choice to choice and place to place without any real long term plan.

Great anti-drug message there. Smoke dope and end up like me.

That is not to say I haven't seen my share of success. I've collected several advanced degrees, I've enjoyed professional success, I've travelled the world, and I started a family. It's been a good 20 year run. But now it's time to start planning for the next twenty.

Up until now all of my objectives were driven by responsibility rather than creativity. I think that may have been a mistake and I'm going to try to fix that moving forward by challenging myself.

In fact, at some point the name of this blog is going to change from "Letting Go" to "Moving Forward". Not today, but probably sooner than I expect.

Here we go:

1) Become a teacher. Any kind of teacher - I don't care if it's community college intramural soccer. When I was in college (the first time) I seriously considered hanging around to get my PhD with the objective of becoming a professor. I went so far as to apply to Stanford, UC Berkley and Cincinnati for graduate school (only Berkley and Cincinnati accepted me). Obviously I chose to take a different path, but I think I've got the right background and temperament for the work and I think I'd be damn good at it. For me, it would be personally rewarding to help another person reach for his or her full potential. I have a lot of respect for teachers. The effect of a good teacher is not limited to just the classroom. In the right setting it can change your life.

This one is going to take some significant forward planning on my part and may end up outside of my 20 year window. The pay off will be worth it.

2) Learn a foreign language. I can "get by" in Spanish, German and Portuguese. By "get by", I mean travel around the country, find a toilet and feed myself. But having a conversation about anything other than the basic necessities is pretty much out of the question. I feel handicapped only speaking English - it's so unfashionable to be monolingual. I've decided to take the next step and become conversational in at least one other language. (This applies to my kids too.)

3) Live in a foreign country for at least a year. If the Republicans take over, I'm definitely on my way out. This would dovetail nicely with #2, but with my luck I'll end up in Canada. My objective here is to experience life from a different viewpoint. I look at the world through Midwestern "Cleveland" eyes. In my travels I've noticed significant cultural differences that affect the very way that residents think.

4) Run for public office. Yup. I don't even care about winning. I just want to be able to walk into a voting booth one time and vote for the best available candidate - Me. Maybe the Green Party needs a candidate for an obscure county commissioner position? I have to figure out some way to get my name on a ballot. I probably won't even vote for myself - I'll just take the ballot home and frame it.

5) Bowl in a tournament. I'm a damn good bowler and there is no good reason I haven't done this already. This is an issue of courage, not ability. Time to find my stones and take a risk. There are worse things in life than losing - for instance, not trying. I learned that from number 6.

6) "Tell me, have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?" I had my chance with the Princess of Darkness and passed. On the Plinko board of life, there's been only one time where I felt like I ended up on the wrong side of the wire. I can clearly remember the exact moment. I had a choice - to risk everything or take the easy way out. I chose poorly.

It's going to take years, but before I die I'm going to fix that mistake.

7) Take ballroom dance lessons. No, this isn't gay. I don't want to be a dancer, I just want to take lessons. I enjoy learning new things and this one seems like a real stretch for me. I love the scene in True Lies where Arnold Schwarzenegger dances the tango with Jamie Lee Curtis. I want to pass a rose back and forth with a partner. Yes, a female partner - knock off the gay jokes. But I think I'll need said female partner before attacking this one. Applications can be submitted in the comments section. The lessons might even come in handy if my kids ever get married.

8) Act in a play or movie. I'm not talking about portraying Willie Loman. I'm thinking party guest #2 who has one spoken line. Local theater productions need extras. I'm going to have extra time. It's a perfect match. This is another one of those 'stretch' objectives to get me out of my comfort zone. I think by putting oneself in uncomfortable situations it forces personal growth. If I can stand on stage, hit my marks and enunciate clearly I'll have learned something about my personal capabilities. But where to start?

9) Go back to school for one more degree completely unrelated to my first two. I believe learning is a lifelong process. Recent studies have shown the human brain to be flexible and adaptable all through adulthood. There is no physical reason why grandma can't figure out the TV remote. She can't figure out the remote because she's not willing to challenge herself - she's too comfortable. I don't ever want to find myself in that comfort zone where I have to ask my kids to explain how my new neural implant web browser works.

"No Dad, you need to double click right lobe before opening the amygdala connection."

10) Write a blog. Check. Been there, done that, waiting for the T-shirts to get back from the printer.

Looking back over the list, there are about five items that scare the crap out of me.

Dance lessons? WTF was I thinking?

But if you had told me six months ago that I'd be sharing my most personal fears and failures with the world on Blogspot, I'd have thought you were nuts too.

I figure we all get one chance at life. Living your life being tentative or afraid doesn't prevent unhappiness, it just makes life less exciting. I'm choosing a little fear over the comfort of the mundane.

"A well spent day brings happy sleep, so a life well spent brings happy death." - Leonardo Da Vinci