Owning Our Choices

My wife didn't leave me because of anything that I did or did not do. There, I said it.

My wife left me because she realized that her life was not living up to her expectations. This was really hard for me to understand or believe. During my 'bargaining' moments, I reasoned that if I could just figure out what it was that I was not providing or where I was failing I could make the change that would bring her back.

You may find yourself living in a shotgun shack
You may find yourself in another part of the world
You may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
You may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife
You may ask yourself: well... how did I get here?

Now, keep in mind that I am the same person who was blissfully unaware of my wife's growing dissatisfaction and unhappiness right up to the day she left me. Why would my wife be so dissatisfied? We had the nice house in a nice neighborhood. We had a little money and two great kids. We were living the middle class American dream, right?

Well, not exactly.

I believe my wife woke up one morning and realized that she had achieved everything she thought she wanted in life and found it wasn't nearly as good as she expected. This all occurred shortly after her brother died.

The death of my father was a stressful experience. I can't imagine how it would feel to lose a sibling. When confronted with her own mortality and forced to examine her life I don't believe my ex-wife was satisfied with the person staring back at her. She found a middle aged housewife and mother of two school age kids who was still waiting tables for pocket money. She wasn't successful, she didn't have many friends and she wasn't happy with her appearance. Basically, she found herself in the middle of a classic mid-life crisis.

But enough about my wife's psychology. That could fill an entire post. Back to my favorite topic - me.

I had my own mid-life crisis a few years back. I had similar questions and similar doubts. The difference was that I didn't act on them. It took some time to process, but what I found in the end was that I was pretty darn happy with my life. I loved my wife and kids. I was reasonably satisfied with my job. I was content. In a way, working through my doubts made me value what I had even more.

About two years before most of it disappeared.

You may ask yourself

How do I work this?

You may ask yourself

Where is that large automobile?

You may tell yourself

This is not my beautiful house!

You may tell yourself

This is not my beautiful wife!

Life is like a giant game of Plinko.

Do any of you remember that game from "The Price Is Right"?  The 'contestant' would drop a puck from the top of a peg board. The puck would hit the pegs on the way down, chaotically bouncing left and right and back again as it found its way to the bottom. Depending on where it landed the player could get a big payoff or fifty bucks. It was effectively a random bell curve distribution, but the players would obsess about just where to drop the puck - as if they weren't subject to the laws of Chaos Theory and Brownian Motion like the rest of us.

Humans have a hardwired tendency to believe outside influence overrules random behavior. We think if we do a special dance it will rain. Or if I rub my lucky rabbits foot I'll win at roulette. Or if I wear the same pair of undershorts all season the Browns will win the Superbowl. Or if you pray...


I'll stop there.

We make numerous choices in life that seem random and inconsequential. Each choice takes us down one of two paths. Do I eat that the banana or the donut for breakfast? Do I take Mound Road or Van Dyke to work? Every choice takes us farther down the path. Every day is a potential opportunity. If I don't pick up the phone 17 years ago I never meet or marry my wife. If my Dad doesn't get cancer my wife and I probably never decide to have children.

And on and on and on.

It's the Plinko board theory of life.

You may ask yourself
What is that beautiful house?
You may ask yourself
Where does that highway lead to?
You may ask yourself
Am I right?... Am I wrong?
You may say to yourself
My God!... what have I done?

So what did I learn?

First, I learned that I am the only person responsible for the choices I made. Would I wish that I could go back 17 years like Marty McFly and tell the young me not to pick up the phone? I don't know. If I did that I would have avoided the pain I'm currently dealing with, but I would have missed out on a lot of great stuff too. Maybe my life would have been better. Maybe my life would have been harder. Who can say? But one thing that would be true - it wouldn't be my life because my life is a result of my choices.

Okay, technically it would still be my life, since it was current me that went back and told young me to not pick up the phone creating a paradox where I never become so unhappy that I want to go back in the first place to tell young me not to pick up the phone.


And this blog has officially jumped the shark.

The Princess of Darkness told me that life is best lived in the present. And I think she's right. Regret doesn't do anyone any favors. I have maybe two regrets in my life and picking up that phone isn't one of them.

No, I made the choices that seemed right at the time. I wish I had won the Showcase instead of the year supply of Rice-A-Roni, but I'm leaving with some great memories, two great kids and a quarter lifetime of experience and growth.

Here's a little secret about the Plinko board of life. In the end, our pucks all fall into the same slot. Whether you are rich as Bill Gates, as smart as Nils Bohr or as dumb as the guy who didn't realize how unhappy his wife was you end up equally dead.

Unless you are Walt Disney or Ted Williams, in which case they freeze your head and reanimate you in the FUTURE!

I can rattle off the platitudes all day - No one gets out alive. You can't take it with you. Life is about the journey, not the destination. Pro infinitio. For better or worse, they were my decisions and I had a hell of a lot of fun making them and came out with some great friends. If I could go back I'd do it all again.

Except for 8th grade - that sucked.

As long as I keep breathing I get to keep making choices. Soon this crappy divorce will be a distant memory and it'll be time for me to get back to living. I say play on!

Lyrics by The Talking Heads