Ten Breakup Songs

When is the best time to write? Pretty much anytime you want to procrastinate from the "real work".

How about those Indians?

Growing up in Parma, I've got no expectation of a Cleveland World Championship in anything other than economic contraction or population flight. One thing I've learned in my 42 years is "Cleveland sports teams will always break my heart".

But this season for the Tribe is just pure torture. Obviously at some point I stopped watching as they continue to play out the string. But now I'm having trouble even getting through the box scores. The games are boring and the quality of the baseball being played is terrible. Bad pitching, average defense and a lineup that is about three players deep. How did the wheels fall off so quickly? And how do I generate any hope for next year? They need (at a minimum) two starting pitchers and three position players to be five-hundred. Even Mike Ilitch doesn't have pockets that deep. And that's assuming Masterson, McAllister and Kluber are viable Major League starting pitchers, which may be a stretch.  Maybe they get Carrasco back from Tommy John, but then what? Sign Greinke?

As for the position players, at a minimum they need a left fielder, first baseman and a designated hitter. If I'm the GM for the Tribe, I trade Asdrubal Cabrera this off season. His value will never be higher and they have ample shortstop prospects behind him in the minors. Customers are paying full price for their tickets. Why shouldn't they get to see Francisco Lindor right now? Or Ronnie Rodriguez?

At least I've got the Browns.

Time to change the subject.

...

I'm in the middle of painting the trim on the house.

And putting it off while I write this.

My home is mostly brick and vinyl, but as is the custom this decade, the trim and soffits are wood. And that wood needs to be painted every eight to ten years. Or it rots.

I've lived here eight years (hard to believe) and it's overdue. The existing builder grade paint was probably shot two years ago, but with the divorce and associated personal and financial upheaval I put it off. This summer I couldn't put it off any more. One small section on the front porch rotted and I knew if I didn't do it now, I'd be replacing a lot more of it next year.

So I called by good friend BLT (who owes me a few favors) and we got to work Labor Day weekend. What I didn't realize until after that fact was BLT was afraid of heights. From his Facebook page:

"I started on the low part of the garage 2/3 up a 6ft (?) Ladder, working over my head. A little scary, but ok. Took a little break while Bob set up the big one to get the first 3rd done. Paint in one hand, kung-fu grip with the other I made it to the top and concentrated on the work, took my mind off the rest for a bit. Once down, I helped Bob extend the ladder all the way. I did my best to casually ask if everything was safe, he said yes, I know he would never put me at risk, so I believed him. I felt myself, and the ladder shaking as I went up, but focused on the roof as I went. By the time I got there I was genuinely scared, but decided to keep my mouth shut and do the job I came to do and not focus on what was flashing through my mind every step of the way, though I did jokingly say my insurance card was in my wallet. By this point Bob had walked away to get back to work and I was perched maybe 25ft (Bob?) up in the air working over my head. I made sure to get every last spot done perfectly, I was not getting back up there to fix anything. Getting down is the worst part, since I have to look down, I was in full panic, but just went one step at a time. Once down, I took a break, and tried to cover my tracks by fiddling with my phone, some sun screen, took some pics. When Bob helped me move the ladder back down he told me what a great job I was doing, which gave me the strength to brave the last few trips up and down. He said thanks, everything looked good, I kept my mouth shut and everybody moved on. I was proud of both the work I did, and dealing with my bullshit, but the unknowing support and confidence of my best friend made it all possible."

I didn't realize it at the time, but that's some impressive shit. He was about 25 feet up and finished the entire front of the garage. And it looks great. Thank you.

And now I feel really guilty for procrastinating.

...

I've been working on a list of my ten favorite breakup songs for the better part of the last two years. Not because I'm indecisive or that the task is particularly hard.

Pretty much all I have to do is organize my iTunes account by "Plays" and exclude the kid's songs.

But mostly because I'm easily distracted.

I wanted to call this these the "Ten Greatest Breakup Songs" but I'm not much of a critic, it's not like I've listened to every song ever recorded and a lot of these songs objectively aren't really all that good. This list is almost guaranteed to change in six months when the next great breakup song hits my iPhone. I will say that these ten songs all mean something to me. They all have a personal connection to something in my life either through the lyrics or a time in my life I (for some reason) associate with the song. I listen to them to remind me of better times, to pick the scabs of my failures, to find perspective or to remind me that there is always hope.

"Hurt" Nine Inch Nails

But the Johnny Cash version is even better. It's an incredibly depressing song to open a playlist. The message is that everything in life ends. It's from the point of view of a junkie, but is really about mortality. Every birth is a future death. Every marriage ends in sadness - divorce or death - pick one.

"Pretty Fucked Up" Supersuckers

This one is just for fun. My favorite band singing about a cheating spouse. "She used to be pretty, but now she's just pretty fucked up". So true. After any breakup it should be required listening.

"Coffee and Cigarettes" Jimmy Eat World

I'm not sure that this is even a breakup song, except for the lyric "of the things I miss". But it reminds me of days spent in college on the world's ugliest couch with the Princess of Darkness. So I guess for me personally it's a little bit about loss.

"F**k You" Cee Lo Green

Is there any better song about a cheating spouse? It's about as deep as Kim Kardashian, but infectiously fun. I suppose it's been a little overplayed since last summer, but I still like it.

"Who Knew" Pink

This is the most personal song on the list. "If someone said three years from now you'd be long gone, I'd stand up and punch them in the mouth." That's pretty much exactly how I felt when I got my divorce papers. Shock, surprise and disappointment. I still can't listen to this song without tearing up. It takes me right back to that day.

"Underneath Days" Bob Mould

This song rocks, but I'm not sure even Bob Mould is 100% sure about the lyrics. To me, it's about the anger and resentment associated with a breakup. "How could you do this to me?" It's cathartic for me to listen to this song.

"According to You" Orianthe

Cheesiest song on the list, but I like it for the message of empowerment. Just because someone else doesn't want what you're selling doesn't make it worthless.

"Torch" Alanis Morissette

I don't think anybody does "breakup" better than Alanis Morissette. If you're a single guy and a friend tries to set you up with Ms. Morissette, run away. You don't want your breakup to be immortalized in coffee shops across the world. This particular song is about the regret associated with a breakup. It reminds me that not only did I lose my money and my stuff in my divorce, I also lost my best friend.

"Payphone" Maroon 5

This is my current favorite breakup song. "All of our bridges burned down." True. "All those fairy tales are full of shit." Check. "You turned your back on tomorrow because you forgot yesterday." Oh yeah. "It's hard to remember the people we used to be." The funny thing is that my kids love this song and it tears my guts out every time I hear it. Sometimes I wonder if they even understand the lyrics. I'm pretty sure they only like it for the melody, but I could be wrong.

"Viva La Vida" Coldplay

Another favorite song of my kids. The lyrics are extremely obtuse, but to me this song is about mortality. The allusion to a king being deposed and the loss of authority or power. Castles built on sand. Numerous Christian references. And that beautiful string section.

That's ten.  Subject to change of course.

Special bonus song:

"I Hope You Die" Bloodhound Gang

Best revenge song ever!

Mandinka and Communication

I was listening to the song "Mandinka" by Sinead O'Connor last week. I love the song, but the whole time it was on, all I could think of was "What the fuck is she singing about?" Here are the lyrics:

I'm dancing the seven veils
Want you to pick up my scarf
See how the black moon fades
Soon I can give you my heart
I don't know no shame
I feel no pain
I can't see the flame
But I do know Man-din-ka
I do know Man-din-ka
I do know Man-din-ka
I do
They're throwing it all this way
Dragging it back to the start
And they say, "See how the glass is raised?"
I have refused to take part
I told them "drink something new"
Please let me pull something through
I don't know no shame
I feel no pain
I can't
I don't know no shame
I feel no pain
I can't see the flame
But I do know Man-din-ka
I do know Man-din-ka
I do know Man-din-ka
I do
I do
I do
I say I do
Soon I can give you my heart
I swear I do
Soon I can give you my heart
I do
Mandinka
Soon I can give you my heart
Soon I can give you my heart
Soon I can give you my heart

I decided to do a little research. The Mandinka are a rather large ethnic group in West Africa that are spread through about twelve different countries. There are about 11 million Mandinka in Africa today and over 99% are Muslim. The group descended from the Mali Empire of Sundiata Keita and rose to power under Mansa Musa in the 14th century.

None of this explains those damn lyrics.

So I researched even harder (by trying a few different search terms in Google). What I found was an interview where Ms. O'Connor said the song was about Alex Haley's book Roots. Apparently Kunta Kinte was a Mandinka and the great majority of West African slaves brought to the Americas were Mandinka. It is estimated (by Wikipedia!) that up to one-third of the Mandinka people were shipped to the New World as slaves in the 16th, 17th and 18th centuries.

That number astounds me. One-third. It is absolutely amazing that for 400 years slave ships transported human cargo across the Atlantic. It's reprehensible that the entire economy of the New World was built on the backs of the forced labor of others.

If this song is about slavery, it completely escapes me. I still don't understand the damn song but I'm going to link it here.

She's got the same haircut as me.

Why would Sinead O'Connor be so obtuse about her true intentions with this song? This got me thinking about mis-communication.

***

I've made several new friends since my wife left me. Along with the weight loss, this is one of the few benefits of divorce. Don't get me wrong, I'd trade my new friends in a heartbeat to get my old life back, but since that's not going to happen, I'm trying to make the best of it.

One of my new friends is Father Pat. Father Pat is going through a very difficult contested divorce. The similarities in our situations is what drew us together. In many ways, we keep making the same mistakes - many times in the same week.

Father Pat had a great quote "Talk is cheap, but not when the lawyers get involved." He keeps telling me how important communication is to the settlement process and his advice is always the same, "Don't stop talking."

In Michigan about 99% of divorces are settled without ever going to trial. The Ex and I are on the 1% path. If we go to trial, the divorce will cost us between $80,000 and $100,000 dollars. That's a lot of cabbage. That's the money I was hoping would be our retirement and my kids' college funds. And it's all going to disappear. It seems like a complete waste, but what would you pay to be part of your kids' lives? To me, $100,000 seems like a bargain.

The Ex's position is that she wants to move the kids to Mississippi. My position is that I want to share custody. There is no middle ground. Since we now have a 50/50 joint custody temporary agreement, the burden of proof for a custody change has moved up from "preponderance of evidence" to "clear and convincing". In layman's terms, the court will never change it.

There is almost no chance that my ex-wife will get what she wants. This is why she has falsely accused me of child abuse and domestic violence. She has to show that I am an unfit parent to have any chance at moving my kids to Mississippi.

Unfortunately for her, none of her accusations are true.

Unfortunately for me and the kids, she will never accept staying in Michigan. The war is over, but the battle rages on.

The police and child protective services have both been notified of her intent. I may get repeatedly hauled off to jail, but the facts are the facts. While I was in custody the police asked me if I wanted to press charges against my ex-wife for her shenanigans. I told them "No thank you. Having my children see one parent in handcuffs this week is more than enough."

I found out my arresting officer actually sent a note to the prosecutor's office on my behalf. He felt I had been "set-up" and The Ex was manipulating the system. You do find friends in strange places.

So how did we get to this point?

Well, we stopped communicating. I stopped talking to my wife completely on September 20th when I found a pocket card on domestic violence from the Macomb County prosecutor's office. I knew she would need to somehow prove I was an unfit parent, and after finding the card I knew what her plan was. After September 20th, she baited me mercilessly. She has said hurtful things, she used the kids against me, she played mind games with my belongings. Through it all I said nothing. Not a single word. I couldn't trust myself to "Say Anything".

If I opened my mouth, I wasn't sure what would come out, and I knew if I so much as breathed the word "bitch" the cops would be at my front door.

Did my plan work? I still ended up in jail, so I'd call that a solid "fail". I think all my silence did was anger her and make her more desperate by refusing to engage. I'm not saying she would have behaved any differently, but my silence only made it easier for her to demonize me and 'raised the pressure'.

If I had it to do over again, I would probably try to keep talking. Very carefully.

Father Pat told me over and over - keep talking. He warned me that my wife might do something rash, but he kept pressing the fact that cutting off communication wouldn't get me where I needed to go. He was right. Now, in my defense, Father Pat is no better at communication with his ex than I am. Apparently, it's a lot easier to talk about talking than it is to actually take the risk.

After I got out of jail and the prosecutor's office declined to issue a warrant, the second call I made was to my ex-wife. I didn't call to gloat or pick a fight. I called because I know that not talking is no longer an option.

After being arrested, the case report is turned over to the prosecutor's office. The prosecutor will review the file to determine if "probable cause" exists. Probable cause means that there is a likelihood that a crime has occurred. If there is a finding of probable cause, an arrest warrant is issued and presented to a judge. The judge reviews the warrant and if approved, you will be formally charged and have your bond set. In my case, the arrest warrant was denied by the prosecutor. Which makes complete sense since the only crime that occurred was my ex-wife assaulting me. My record is clean, but my picture and prints are now on file.

The only way either one of us is going to be able to move forward is by working together and learning to compromise. I'm not saying it's going to work, I only know my previous strategy was doomed to fail.

Wish me luck.

Things I Want In A Dance Partner

I need an intervention. I've been listening to way too much Alanis Morissette.

My kids like to play with the radio in the car. Since they have the attention spans of a couple over-caffeinated hummingbirds, I have never actually heard the second verse of any song in their presence.

Similar to most Americans and the "Star Spangled Banner". The second verse is... well... not good. If you care to read it, click here.

A note about my car. I'm currently driving a red 2011 Mustang convertible. It's my company car. To call the media player in this car a "radio" is like calling the Motorola Droid X a "phone". In fact, other than NPR, I haven't listened to terrestrial radio in over four years. My iPod is "Sync'd" directly to the media center and the kids have access to about 10,000 songs. They, of course, listen to three: "Teenage Dream", "Last Friday Night" and "California Gurls" all off Katy Perry's new album. Over and over. Day and night.

Their current favorite is "Last Friday Night", which I must admit is a catchy tune. They know all of the words. Consequently, my daughter recently asked what "Menage a Trois" was. I told her I didn't speak French. If you've heard the song you'll understand.

On the other hand, would it have been possible for her to have asked anyone less qualified than me to answer that question? I think I would have to look it up.


No, I'm not looking it up for you - do it yourself. Pervert.

I'll try to stay on topic.

On the media center there is a"similar music" button. This function will randomly skip to a song the system thinks is similar to what you are currently listening to. My kids love it. I swear that portion of the touch screen is wearing out under the little finger prints.

They kept pushing and eventually the song "Torch" by Alanis Morissette popped on. It's a touching song about the regret and loss associated with the end of a relationship.

They were instantly bored.

But by then we were turning into the garage and they quickly dispersed. End of story, right? Not quite. The way the software in the car works is that when you shut down, it'll start playing the album of the last song played. In this case that was "Flavors of Entanglement".

I think the album was written right after she broke up with Ryan Reynolds. It's filled with regret, loss and grief. Like me.

Well "Flavors of Entanglement" let to "Jagged Little Pill", which led to "So Called Chaos", which led to "Under Rug Swept". Consequently, I've been thinking a lot about loss. No surprise there. And that's where our story begins.

I was listening to "21 Things I Want In A Lover" off the "Under Rug Swept" album for the sixth or seventh time when it dawned on me that I didn't have a plan. "I'd like to pretend I have a choice in the matter" so I decided to put together a list of what I'll be looking for in my next dance partner. Granted, it'll be quite a while before I'm back on the dance floor, but it doesn't mean I can't prepare for that day. I also think this particular exercise is good because it's forward looking, as opposed to dwelling on my present situation.

That's becoming a familiar theme in this blog - looking ahead as opposed to analyzing the past. "Moving Forward" is coming.

So, with that we are off.

1) Must be a woman. I know, why exclude half the population right off the bat, right? Unfortunately, I'm pretty inflexible on this one.

Yeah, I know, most of my facebook pictures would indicate the opposite. Let's pretend that I don't photograph well.

2) Joie de vivre. She must think of life as a journey and take advantage of every day we are gifted with. I need someone who takes life by the throat and lives in the moment. I spent the last twenty years being responsible and living with an eye to the future. Now that I've hit middle age, I kind of wonder what I was saving for?

"Joie de vivre" is literally translated as "the joy of living" or "the joy of life". It's often corrupted to "joie de vie" which is "joy for life". I prefer the traditional. My usage implies a cheerful enjoyment of life and living, or a happy spirit.

Good thing I don't speak French, right?

You should hear my pronunciation of French. It is atrocious. The French feel so sorry for me they immediately switch to English.

3) Good with kids. If she can't deal with my kids, I can't deal with her.

4) Good-natured, healthy sense of humor that is compatible with my snark and stupidity. She doesn't necessarily have to laugh at my jokes, just put up with them. If I have to, I'm even willing to explain them to her.

Like I do with you people.

It's more important that she makes me laugh. And no jokes at other people's expense - well, except for me. A mild self-deprecating sense of humor is good too. It implies she doesn't take herself too seriously and is comfortable in her own skin.

5) Personal integrity. No liars or cheats. I'm not even talking about sex - I want the type of woman that when a cashier gives her the wrong change she points out the mistake and gives the money back. I prefer someone who would rather tell me the truth than tell me what's convenient. The Ex has a very hard time telling right from wrong. I dealt with that once - not again.

6) Intellectually stimulating. I have to find her interesting. This doesn't mean she has to be the evil genius I am, it just means she has to have a broad range of interests that roughly parallel or supplement mine.

I want to be able to have an intelligent conversation. She needs to have strong views and opinions that she is capable of, and willing to, defend. Basically, I don't care what type of books and magazines she reads, she just has to read something. The deeper the better. And if she's versed in topics I didn't even know existed, bonus points!

I think this pretty much implies she has to be a college graduate, though it would be possible to meet this requirement without a degree. Life experience counts.

7) Self-confidence. No shrinking violets. She should also be comfortable with her own body image.

8) Sense of adventure and a willingness to try new things. No fear. I think this will come hand in hand with #2. I want a woman that finds nothing wrong with visiting a nudist camp to see your eccentric Uncle. Or taking ballroom dance lessons "just because".

The nudist camp is a story for a different post. A good one, but not today. Trust me, none of you want to think about me playing naked Bocce Ball.

I'm not saying she has to be a nudist. I'm not a nudist. At least, I don't think I am...

How many times do you have to go to be a "member"?

I'm just saying she should at least be open to considering the idea.

9) Firmly grounded in reality. No magical thinking. I'm a realist and I have very little patience for people who believe in things like 9/11 conspiracies, psychics (other than for entertainment), homeopathy, alien abduction, not vaccinating your children, spirits / ghosts, herbal supplements (that have been proven not to work) or "The Secret".

Religion is okay as long as they don't expect me to participate. I like the sense of community and support that comes with church, I just wish they could do it without the imaginary stuff.

10) Able to admit when she is wrong, apologize and move on. The Ex was completely incapable of this. In the entire time we were married I don't recall her ever saying "I'm sorry" and meaning it.

Key point, if you ever find yourself in a hole, the first step to recovery is to stop digging.

11) Demonstrates kindness towards others. If she can't treat strangers with respect and kindness, eventually she'll do the same to you. I've seen too many people suck up to me because of my position, only to treat a waitress, cashier, employee or secretary with complete disrespect. I won't put up with this.

"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'" - Matthew 25:40


Who ever thought they would see a Bible verse in one of my posts? Hands?

It's a great way to live your life. And not be a prick.

12) Reasonably athletic, active and interested in things that I enjoy. I want someone I can do things with. Long walks, hiking, swimming, biking, golf, bowling, softball, camping, fishing, sex. Pretty much anything. If she stays active, I'll stay active.

I like the fact I've lost all the weight and my current plan is to keep it off. We'll see if I'm successful.

13) Interested in and entertained by watching both professional (or college) baseball and football. Especially football. There is nothing better than attending a high school or college game in the fall. Except playing, but not at my age.

I don't even care what teams she roots for.

Well, except the Yankees. That might be a deal breaker.

14) Allergic to Fox News. I'm a progressive Democrat. Sorry ladies, but I don't see how I could ever date a conservative - except for maybe grudge sex. There's just not enough common ground anymore.

Good thing most conservatives look like the Crypt Keeper.

This includes being pro-choice. I respect the motivation behind the pro-life crowd, it's just not for me.

15) Fulfilling career. She needs to have a job that provides her with a sense of satisfaction and that takes up a good percentage of her time. I'm not interested in being the center of anyone's universe.

Having the right job is a rewarding experience and adds depth to a personality. I think it makes anyone more interesting.

It also wouldn't hurt her financial stability.

16) An even temper. I don't want someone who is overly emotional or flies off the handle at the slightest provocation. I want someone who can laugh off the small speed bumps in life and doesn't get discouraged by minor setbacks.

No drama queens or rage-aholics.

17) No drugs. Unless she shares.

18) Assertive. I want a woman who is not afraid to tell me when I'm wrong or call bullshit on my frequent bullshit. My dance partner needs to be willing to stand up for herself and what she believes in. I see more than enough "Yes Men" and "Yes Women" at work. I don't need that on my personal time.

19) Ability to compromise. Yeah, #18 could be a real problem if it's not accompanied by its more reasonable partner, compromise.

20) Broad life experience. This supplements #6 - intellectual stimulation. I want someone that has lived a full life and has both the memories and scars to prove it. I want someone who has loved and lost. I want someone who has experienced at least a taste of what the world offers. Someone who has traveled enough to understand that not everyone is like us, yet has spent enough time at home to remain grounded.

This is the main reason I just don't see myself with a younger woman. I don't see how a much younger woman could maintain my interest for more than 90 minutes.

21) Sexually uninhibited. I'm talking frequent hot, sweaty, monkey sex that curls my toes.

Yeah, I left the best for last.

Could You Be Loved?

I love Bob Marley's "Could You Be Loved?" Not just because of my misspent youth. I love the message. It's basically a simple jam without any great verses. But there's a ribbon of hope threaded throughout. The question is pretty straightforward "Could you be loved?" I'd like to think yes, but I wonder...

"You ain't gonna miss your water until your well runs dry."

True dat. How many ways can you say you don't know what you've got until it's gone?

Best Friend Brian said something that hit me between the eyes like a two by four. He said "Your wife viewed your marriage as a contract." I think he was right. And when the market soured, she liquidated her interest. I don't know that my wife ever truly loved me, at least not in the way I loved her.

I think I was just in the right place at the right time. When we met, she was broke and living at home with her parents. She hated it. I had a job and offered her a way out. I don't think I was Mr. Right, I think I was Mr. Convenient. I was comfortable and safe. So no, I don't think she ever loved me in the way I grew to love her.

Back to the question at hand "Could you be loved?"

"Say something! Say something!"

I think most people are worthy of love. We all have something to offer. So what is love? My definition is that love is when you affect another person in a way that makes them better for having known you. And when knowing them makes you a better person. My love for my wife made her a better person. I saw this almost every day. I saw things in her that even she didn't.

Curiously, since my wife left I seem to have become a better person without her. I am happier with myself than I have been in years. Sure, life is tough right now, but it seems to have brought out the best in me.

But that's not what I want to talk about.

"Could you be loved?"

For most of my life I have been emotionally unavailable. I preferred to "keep my distance" and held others at arms length to protect myself from being let down or disappointed. Consequently, I have always had a lot more 'acquaintances' than I had 'true friends' and making friends has always been a chore.

I think I developed this as a coping mechanism when I was much, much younger. Growing up, my mother was emotionally distant and I may have learned the behavior from her. I generally didn't let people get close to me and I rarely shared my true feelings with anyone. In college I could count my true friends on one hand, and three of them lived out of town. Prior to my divorce there were many people in my life who I loved very, very much and yet never told them how important they were to me.

"Say something! Say something!"

This may help to explain why I have only been "in love" twice in my life. I'm not sure if two times is normal or about right. I don't know how many times a man is expected to be in love. Truth be told, I haven't had to think about it for a very long time.

The first time I fell in love, it didn't go well. I fell in love with a friend who also wasn't emotionally available. It wasn't intentional and I certainly didn't mean to fall in love with her. It just 'happened'. My friend was damaged by a previous relationship. When I met her she was in a different place than me. Intellectually I think I understood that men and women cannot be friends. Romantic entanglements are almost unavoidable - it's genetics, or chemistry. I had never successfully been 'just friends' with a woman.

Against the odds (and my better judgement) we hit it off.

We hung out on and off for more than a year. I grew to depend on her and looked forward to her frequent visits. We spent countless hours doing absolutely nothing. We grew closer and for a while she became my best friend and confidant. It took months before she let me see her for who she really was. She tried so hard to come across as hard and unflappable - an irresponsible party girl. That was just the armor she wore to keep from appearing vulnerable or being hurt again. But it wasn't who she really was underneath. Underneath she was thoughtful, loyal, sensitive and kind.

And worthy of my love.

"Could you be loved and be loved?"

I remember sitting in the dark on the world's ugliest couch looking out onto Jefferson Avenue after some stupid party. She was wearing the crimson plaid dress that by all rights should have looked silly but was somehow fantastic on her petite frame. Her straight brown hair was pinned back off her ear by a small red clip or beret. We spent what seemed like hours talking about life in our private little corner of the universe. I was sitting behind her and caught the unmistakable strawberry scent from her hair. She turned her head in such a way that her face was silhouetted in the lights from the passing cars. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. If this was a movie, it was the moment I should have kissed her. But I couldn't. I was so confused and afraid. That was the Princess of Darkness. She was my friend and my first love.

I knew she was broken from her previous relationship and I didn't know how to fix her. I was so concerned about ruining our friendship that I couldn't or wouldn't take advantage of the moment. I was sabotaged by my own insecurities and self doubt.

I didn't believe that I was worthy of being loved. I'm still not convinced.

That is my one regret.

"Could you be loved and be loved?"

Fast forward several months. My unrequited and unresolved feelings poisoned our friendship. My friend sensed this, but didn't know how to react. She blocked it out and wouldn't discuss it. Eventually she moved away and I was left with the stench of my cowardice and failure. Our friendship ended because I refused to end our friendship. I refused to make the leap of faith required to shock her system. To get her out of her protective cocoon. To let her know "She could be loved."

"Say something! Say something!"

Since my wife left me I am emotionally broken - almost crippled. I've lost control of my feelings and I am unable to keep anything inside. Now that I am the one who is irreparably broken, I'm left with only the question, "Could I be loved?"

I just don't know...

Owning Our Choices

My wife didn't leave me because of anything that I did or did not do. There, I said it.

My wife left me because she realized that her life was not living up to her expectations. This was really hard for me to understand or believe. During my 'bargaining' moments, I reasoned that if I could just figure out what it was that I was not providing or where I was failing I could make the change that would bring her back.

You may find yourself living in a shotgun shack
You may find yourself in another part of the world
You may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
You may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife
You may ask yourself: well... how did I get here?

Now, keep in mind that I am the same person who was blissfully unaware of my wife's growing dissatisfaction and unhappiness right up to the day she left me. Why would my wife be so dissatisfied? We had the nice house in a nice neighborhood. We had a little money and two great kids. We were living the middle class American dream, right?

Well, not exactly.

I believe my wife woke up one morning and realized that she had achieved everything she thought she wanted in life and found it wasn't nearly as good as she expected. This all occurred shortly after her brother died.

The death of my father was a stressful experience. I can't imagine how it would feel to lose a sibling. When confronted with her own mortality and forced to examine her life I don't believe my ex-wife was satisfied with the person staring back at her. She found a middle aged housewife and mother of two school age kids who was still waiting tables for pocket money. She wasn't successful, she didn't have many friends and she wasn't happy with her appearance. Basically, she found herself in the middle of a classic mid-life crisis.

But enough about my wife's psychology. That could fill an entire post. Back to my favorite topic - me.

I had my own mid-life crisis a few years back. I had similar questions and similar doubts. The difference was that I didn't act on them. It took some time to process, but what I found in the end was that I was pretty darn happy with my life. I loved my wife and kids. I was reasonably satisfied with my job. I was content. In a way, working through my doubts made me value what I had even more.

About two years before most of it disappeared.

You may ask yourself

How do I work this?

You may ask yourself

Where is that large automobile?

You may tell yourself

This is not my beautiful house!

You may tell yourself

This is not my beautiful wife!

Life is like a giant game of Plinko.

Do any of you remember that game from "The Price Is Right"?  The 'contestant' would drop a puck from the top of a peg board. The puck would hit the pegs on the way down, chaotically bouncing left and right and back again as it found its way to the bottom. Depending on where it landed the player could get a big payoff or fifty bucks. It was effectively a random bell curve distribution, but the players would obsess about just where to drop the puck - as if they weren't subject to the laws of Chaos Theory and Brownian Motion like the rest of us.

Humans have a hardwired tendency to believe outside influence overrules random behavior. We think if we do a special dance it will rain. Or if I rub my lucky rabbits foot I'll win at roulette. Or if I wear the same pair of undershorts all season the Browns will win the Superbowl. Or if you pray...


I'll stop there.

We make numerous choices in life that seem random and inconsequential. Each choice takes us down one of two paths. Do I eat that the banana or the donut for breakfast? Do I take Mound Road or Van Dyke to work? Every choice takes us farther down the path. Every day is a potential opportunity. If I don't pick up the phone 17 years ago I never meet or marry my wife. If my Dad doesn't get cancer my wife and I probably never decide to have children.

And on and on and on.

It's the Plinko board theory of life.

You may ask yourself
What is that beautiful house?
You may ask yourself
Where does that highway lead to?
You may ask yourself
Am I right?... Am I wrong?
You may say to yourself
My God!... what have I done?

So what did I learn?

First, I learned that I am the only person responsible for the choices I made. Would I wish that I could go back 17 years like Marty McFly and tell the young me not to pick up the phone? I don't know. If I did that I would have avoided the pain I'm currently dealing with, but I would have missed out on a lot of great stuff too. Maybe my life would have been better. Maybe my life would have been harder. Who can say? But one thing that would be true - it wouldn't be my life because my life is a result of my choices.

Okay, technically it would still be my life, since it was current me that went back and told young me to not pick up the phone creating a paradox where I never become so unhappy that I want to go back in the first place to tell young me not to pick up the phone.


And this blog has officially jumped the shark.

The Princess of Darkness told me that life is best lived in the present. And I think she's right. Regret doesn't do anyone any favors. I have maybe two regrets in my life and picking up that phone isn't one of them.

No, I made the choices that seemed right at the time. I wish I had won the Showcase instead of the year supply of Rice-A-Roni, but I'm leaving with some great memories, two great kids and a quarter lifetime of experience and growth.

Here's a little secret about the Plinko board of life. In the end, our pucks all fall into the same slot. Whether you are rich as Bill Gates, as smart as Nils Bohr or as dumb as the guy who didn't realize how unhappy his wife was you end up equally dead.

Unless you are Walt Disney or Ted Williams, in which case they freeze your head and reanimate you in the FUTURE!

I can rattle off the platitudes all day - No one gets out alive. You can't take it with you. Life is about the journey, not the destination. Pro infinitio. For better or worse, they were my decisions and I had a hell of a lot of fun making them and came out with some great friends. If I could go back I'd do it all again.

Except for 8th grade - that sucked.

As long as I keep breathing I get to keep making choices. Soon this crappy divorce will be a distant memory and it'll be time for me to get back to living. I say play on!

Lyrics by The Talking Heads