Things I Want In A Dance Partner

I need an intervention. I've been listening to way too much Alanis Morissette.

My kids like to play with the radio in the car. Since they have the attention spans of a couple over-caffeinated hummingbirds, I have never actually heard the second verse of any song in their presence.

Similar to most Americans and the "Star Spangled Banner". The second verse is... well... not good. If you care to read it, click here.

A note about my car. I'm currently driving a red 2011 Mustang convertible. It's my company car. To call the media player in this car a "radio" is like calling the Motorola Droid X a "phone". In fact, other than NPR, I haven't listened to terrestrial radio in over four years. My iPod is "Sync'd" directly to the media center and the kids have access to about 10,000 songs. They, of course, listen to three: "Teenage Dream", "Last Friday Night" and "California Gurls" all off Katy Perry's new album. Over and over. Day and night.

Their current favorite is "Last Friday Night", which I must admit is a catchy tune. They know all of the words. Consequently, my daughter recently asked what "Menage a Trois" was. I told her I didn't speak French. If you've heard the song you'll understand.

On the other hand, would it have been possible for her to have asked anyone less qualified than me to answer that question? I think I would have to look it up.


No, I'm not looking it up for you - do it yourself. Pervert.

I'll try to stay on topic.

On the media center there is a"similar music" button. This function will randomly skip to a song the system thinks is similar to what you are currently listening to. My kids love it. I swear that portion of the touch screen is wearing out under the little finger prints.

They kept pushing and eventually the song "Torch" by Alanis Morissette popped on. It's a touching song about the regret and loss associated with the end of a relationship.

They were instantly bored.

But by then we were turning into the garage and they quickly dispersed. End of story, right? Not quite. The way the software in the car works is that when you shut down, it'll start playing the album of the last song played. In this case that was "Flavors of Entanglement".

I think the album was written right after she broke up with Ryan Reynolds. It's filled with regret, loss and grief. Like me.

Well "Flavors of Entanglement" let to "Jagged Little Pill", which led to "So Called Chaos", which led to "Under Rug Swept". Consequently, I've been thinking a lot about loss. No surprise there. And that's where our story begins.

I was listening to "21 Things I Want In A Lover" off the "Under Rug Swept" album for the sixth or seventh time when it dawned on me that I didn't have a plan. "I'd like to pretend I have a choice in the matter" so I decided to put together a list of what I'll be looking for in my next dance partner. Granted, it'll be quite a while before I'm back on the dance floor, but it doesn't mean I can't prepare for that day. I also think this particular exercise is good because it's forward looking, as opposed to dwelling on my present situation.

That's becoming a familiar theme in this blog - looking ahead as opposed to analyzing the past. "Moving Forward" is coming.

So, with that we are off.

1) Must be a woman. I know, why exclude half the population right off the bat, right? Unfortunately, I'm pretty inflexible on this one.

Yeah, I know, most of my facebook pictures would indicate the opposite. Let's pretend that I don't photograph well.

2) Joie de vivre. She must think of life as a journey and take advantage of every day we are gifted with. I need someone who takes life by the throat and lives in the moment. I spent the last twenty years being responsible and living with an eye to the future. Now that I've hit middle age, I kind of wonder what I was saving for?

"Joie de vivre" is literally translated as "the joy of living" or "the joy of life". It's often corrupted to "joie de vie" which is "joy for life". I prefer the traditional. My usage implies a cheerful enjoyment of life and living, or a happy spirit.

Good thing I don't speak French, right?

You should hear my pronunciation of French. It is atrocious. The French feel so sorry for me they immediately switch to English.

3) Good with kids. If she can't deal with my kids, I can't deal with her.

4) Good-natured, healthy sense of humor that is compatible with my snark and stupidity. She doesn't necessarily have to laugh at my jokes, just put up with them. If I have to, I'm even willing to explain them to her.

Like I do with you people.

It's more important that she makes me laugh. And no jokes at other people's expense - well, except for me. A mild self-deprecating sense of humor is good too. It implies she doesn't take herself too seriously and is comfortable in her own skin.

5) Personal integrity. No liars or cheats. I'm not even talking about sex - I want the type of woman that when a cashier gives her the wrong change she points out the mistake and gives the money back. I prefer someone who would rather tell me the truth than tell me what's convenient. The Ex has a very hard time telling right from wrong. I dealt with that once - not again.

6) Intellectually stimulating. I have to find her interesting. This doesn't mean she has to be the evil genius I am, it just means she has to have a broad range of interests that roughly parallel or supplement mine.

I want to be able to have an intelligent conversation. She needs to have strong views and opinions that she is capable of, and willing to, defend. Basically, I don't care what type of books and magazines she reads, she just has to read something. The deeper the better. And if she's versed in topics I didn't even know existed, bonus points!

I think this pretty much implies she has to be a college graduate, though it would be possible to meet this requirement without a degree. Life experience counts.

7) Self-confidence. No shrinking violets. She should also be comfortable with her own body image.

8) Sense of adventure and a willingness to try new things. No fear. I think this will come hand in hand with #2. I want a woman that finds nothing wrong with visiting a nudist camp to see your eccentric Uncle. Or taking ballroom dance lessons "just because".

The nudist camp is a story for a different post. A good one, but not today. Trust me, none of you want to think about me playing naked Bocce Ball.

I'm not saying she has to be a nudist. I'm not a nudist. At least, I don't think I am...

How many times do you have to go to be a "member"?

I'm just saying she should at least be open to considering the idea.

9) Firmly grounded in reality. No magical thinking. I'm a realist and I have very little patience for people who believe in things like 9/11 conspiracies, psychics (other than for entertainment), homeopathy, alien abduction, not vaccinating your children, spirits / ghosts, herbal supplements (that have been proven not to work) or "The Secret".

Religion is okay as long as they don't expect me to participate. I like the sense of community and support that comes with church, I just wish they could do it without the imaginary stuff.

10) Able to admit when she is wrong, apologize and move on. The Ex was completely incapable of this. In the entire time we were married I don't recall her ever saying "I'm sorry" and meaning it.

Key point, if you ever find yourself in a hole, the first step to recovery is to stop digging.

11) Demonstrates kindness towards others. If she can't treat strangers with respect and kindness, eventually she'll do the same to you. I've seen too many people suck up to me because of my position, only to treat a waitress, cashier, employee or secretary with complete disrespect. I won't put up with this.

"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'" - Matthew 25:40


Who ever thought they would see a Bible verse in one of my posts? Hands?

It's a great way to live your life. And not be a prick.

12) Reasonably athletic, active and interested in things that I enjoy. I want someone I can do things with. Long walks, hiking, swimming, biking, golf, bowling, softball, camping, fishing, sex. Pretty much anything. If she stays active, I'll stay active.

I like the fact I've lost all the weight and my current plan is to keep it off. We'll see if I'm successful.

13) Interested in and entertained by watching both professional (or college) baseball and football. Especially football. There is nothing better than attending a high school or college game in the fall. Except playing, but not at my age.

I don't even care what teams she roots for.

Well, except the Yankees. That might be a deal breaker.

14) Allergic to Fox News. I'm a progressive Democrat. Sorry ladies, but I don't see how I could ever date a conservative - except for maybe grudge sex. There's just not enough common ground anymore.

Good thing most conservatives look like the Crypt Keeper.

This includes being pro-choice. I respect the motivation behind the pro-life crowd, it's just not for me.

15) Fulfilling career. She needs to have a job that provides her with a sense of satisfaction and that takes up a good percentage of her time. I'm not interested in being the center of anyone's universe.

Having the right job is a rewarding experience and adds depth to a personality. I think it makes anyone more interesting.

It also wouldn't hurt her financial stability.

16) An even temper. I don't want someone who is overly emotional or flies off the handle at the slightest provocation. I want someone who can laugh off the small speed bumps in life and doesn't get discouraged by minor setbacks.

No drama queens or rage-aholics.

17) No drugs. Unless she shares.

18) Assertive. I want a woman who is not afraid to tell me when I'm wrong or call bullshit on my frequent bullshit. My dance partner needs to be willing to stand up for herself and what she believes in. I see more than enough "Yes Men" and "Yes Women" at work. I don't need that on my personal time.

19) Ability to compromise. Yeah, #18 could be a real problem if it's not accompanied by its more reasonable partner, compromise.

20) Broad life experience. This supplements #6 - intellectual stimulation. I want someone that has lived a full life and has both the memories and scars to prove it. I want someone who has loved and lost. I want someone who has experienced at least a taste of what the world offers. Someone who has traveled enough to understand that not everyone is like us, yet has spent enough time at home to remain grounded.

This is the main reason I just don't see myself with a younger woman. I don't see how a much younger woman could maintain my interest for more than 90 minutes.

21) Sexually uninhibited. I'm talking frequent hot, sweaty, monkey sex that curls my toes.

Yeah, I left the best for last.