Could You Be Loved?

I love Bob Marley's "Could You Be Loved?" Not just because of my misspent youth. I love the message. It's basically a simple jam without any great verses. But there's a ribbon of hope threaded throughout. The question is pretty straightforward "Could you be loved?" I'd like to think yes, but I wonder...

"You ain't gonna miss your water until your well runs dry."

True dat. How many ways can you say you don't know what you've got until it's gone?

Best Friend Brian said something that hit me between the eyes like a two by four. He said "Your wife viewed your marriage as a contract." I think he was right. And when the market soured, she liquidated her interest. I don't know that my wife ever truly loved me, at least not in the way I loved her.

I think I was just in the right place at the right time. When we met, she was broke and living at home with her parents. She hated it. I had a job and offered her a way out. I don't think I was Mr. Right, I think I was Mr. Convenient. I was comfortable and safe. So no, I don't think she ever loved me in the way I grew to love her.

Back to the question at hand "Could you be loved?"

"Say something! Say something!"

I think most people are worthy of love. We all have something to offer. So what is love? My definition is that love is when you affect another person in a way that makes them better for having known you. And when knowing them makes you a better person. My love for my wife made her a better person. I saw this almost every day. I saw things in her that even she didn't.

Curiously, since my wife left I seem to have become a better person without her. I am happier with myself than I have been in years. Sure, life is tough right now, but it seems to have brought out the best in me.

But that's not what I want to talk about.

"Could you be loved?"

For most of my life I have been emotionally unavailable. I preferred to "keep my distance" and held others at arms length to protect myself from being let down or disappointed. Consequently, I have always had a lot more 'acquaintances' than I had 'true friends' and making friends has always been a chore.

I think I developed this as a coping mechanism when I was much, much younger. Growing up, my mother was emotionally distant and I may have learned the behavior from her. I generally didn't let people get close to me and I rarely shared my true feelings with anyone. In college I could count my true friends on one hand, and three of them lived out of town. Prior to my divorce there were many people in my life who I loved very, very much and yet never told them how important they were to me.

"Say something! Say something!"

This may help to explain why I have only been "in love" twice in my life. I'm not sure if two times is normal or about right. I don't know how many times a man is expected to be in love. Truth be told, I haven't had to think about it for a very long time.

The first time I fell in love, it didn't go well. I fell in love with a friend who also wasn't emotionally available. It wasn't intentional and I certainly didn't mean to fall in love with her. It just 'happened'. My friend was damaged by a previous relationship. When I met her she was in a different place than me. Intellectually I think I understood that men and women cannot be friends. Romantic entanglements are almost unavoidable - it's genetics, or chemistry. I had never successfully been 'just friends' with a woman.

Against the odds (and my better judgement) we hit it off.

We hung out on and off for more than a year. I grew to depend on her and looked forward to her frequent visits. We spent countless hours doing absolutely nothing. We grew closer and for a while she became my best friend and confidant. It took months before she let me see her for who she really was. She tried so hard to come across as hard and unflappable - an irresponsible party girl. That was just the armor she wore to keep from appearing vulnerable or being hurt again. But it wasn't who she really was underneath. Underneath she was thoughtful, loyal, sensitive and kind.

And worthy of my love.

"Could you be loved and be loved?"

I remember sitting in the dark on the world's ugliest couch looking out onto Jefferson Avenue after some stupid party. She was wearing the crimson plaid dress that by all rights should have looked silly but was somehow fantastic on her petite frame. Her straight brown hair was pinned back off her ear by a small red clip or beret. We spent what seemed like hours talking about life in our private little corner of the universe. I was sitting behind her and caught the unmistakable strawberry scent from her hair. She turned her head in such a way that her face was silhouetted in the lights from the passing cars. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. If this was a movie, it was the moment I should have kissed her. But I couldn't. I was so confused and afraid. That was the Princess of Darkness. She was my friend and my first love.

I knew she was broken from her previous relationship and I didn't know how to fix her. I was so concerned about ruining our friendship that I couldn't or wouldn't take advantage of the moment. I was sabotaged by my own insecurities and self doubt.

I didn't believe that I was worthy of being loved. I'm still not convinced.

That is my one regret.

"Could you be loved and be loved?"

Fast forward several months. My unrequited and unresolved feelings poisoned our friendship. My friend sensed this, but didn't know how to react. She blocked it out and wouldn't discuss it. Eventually she moved away and I was left with the stench of my cowardice and failure. Our friendship ended because I refused to end our friendship. I refused to make the leap of faith required to shock her system. To get her out of her protective cocoon. To let her know "She could be loved."

"Say something! Say something!"

Since my wife left me I am emotionally broken - almost crippled. I've lost control of my feelings and I am unable to keep anything inside. Now that I am the one who is irreparably broken, I'm left with only the question, "Could I be loved?"

I just don't know...