Mandinka and Communication

I was listening to the song "Mandinka" by Sinead O'Connor last week. I love the song, but the whole time it was on, all I could think of was "What the fuck is she singing about?" Here are the lyrics:

I'm dancing the seven veils
Want you to pick up my scarf
See how the black moon fades
Soon I can give you my heart
I don't know no shame
I feel no pain
I can't see the flame
But I do know Man-din-ka
I do know Man-din-ka
I do know Man-din-ka
I do
They're throwing it all this way
Dragging it back to the start
And they say, "See how the glass is raised?"
I have refused to take part
I told them "drink something new"
Please let me pull something through
I don't know no shame
I feel no pain
I can't
I don't know no shame
I feel no pain
I can't see the flame
But I do know Man-din-ka
I do know Man-din-ka
I do know Man-din-ka
I do
I do
I do
I say I do
Soon I can give you my heart
I swear I do
Soon I can give you my heart
I do
Mandinka
Soon I can give you my heart
Soon I can give you my heart
Soon I can give you my heart

I decided to do a little research. The Mandinka are a rather large ethnic group in West Africa that are spread through about twelve different countries. There are about 11 million Mandinka in Africa today and over 99% are Muslim. The group descended from the Mali Empire of Sundiata Keita and rose to power under Mansa Musa in the 14th century.

None of this explains those damn lyrics.

So I researched even harder (by trying a few different search terms in Google). What I found was an interview where Ms. O'Connor said the song was about Alex Haley's book Roots. Apparently Kunta Kinte was a Mandinka and the great majority of West African slaves brought to the Americas were Mandinka. It is estimated (by Wikipedia!) that up to one-third of the Mandinka people were shipped to the New World as slaves in the 16th, 17th and 18th centuries.

That number astounds me. One-third. It is absolutely amazing that for 400 years slave ships transported human cargo across the Atlantic. It's reprehensible that the entire economy of the New World was built on the backs of the forced labor of others.

If this song is about slavery, it completely escapes me. I still don't understand the damn song but I'm going to link it here.

She's got the same haircut as me.

Why would Sinead O'Connor be so obtuse about her true intentions with this song? This got me thinking about mis-communication.

***

I've made several new friends since my wife left me. Along with the weight loss, this is one of the few benefits of divorce. Don't get me wrong, I'd trade my new friends in a heartbeat to get my old life back, but since that's not going to happen, I'm trying to make the best of it.

One of my new friends is Father Pat. Father Pat is going through a very difficult contested divorce. The similarities in our situations is what drew us together. In many ways, we keep making the same mistakes - many times in the same week.

Father Pat had a great quote "Talk is cheap, but not when the lawyers get involved." He keeps telling me how important communication is to the settlement process and his advice is always the same, "Don't stop talking."

In Michigan about 99% of divorces are settled without ever going to trial. The Ex and I are on the 1% path. If we go to trial, the divorce will cost us between $80,000 and $100,000 dollars. That's a lot of cabbage. That's the money I was hoping would be our retirement and my kids' college funds. And it's all going to disappear. It seems like a complete waste, but what would you pay to be part of your kids' lives? To me, $100,000 seems like a bargain.

The Ex's position is that she wants to move the kids to Mississippi. My position is that I want to share custody. There is no middle ground. Since we now have a 50/50 joint custody temporary agreement, the burden of proof for a custody change has moved up from "preponderance of evidence" to "clear and convincing". In layman's terms, the court will never change it.

There is almost no chance that my ex-wife will get what she wants. This is why she has falsely accused me of child abuse and domestic violence. She has to show that I am an unfit parent to have any chance at moving my kids to Mississippi.

Unfortunately for her, none of her accusations are true.

Unfortunately for me and the kids, she will never accept staying in Michigan. The war is over, but the battle rages on.

The police and child protective services have both been notified of her intent. I may get repeatedly hauled off to jail, but the facts are the facts. While I was in custody the police asked me if I wanted to press charges against my ex-wife for her shenanigans. I told them "No thank you. Having my children see one parent in handcuffs this week is more than enough."

I found out my arresting officer actually sent a note to the prosecutor's office on my behalf. He felt I had been "set-up" and The Ex was manipulating the system. You do find friends in strange places.

So how did we get to this point?

Well, we stopped communicating. I stopped talking to my wife completely on September 20th when I found a pocket card on domestic violence from the Macomb County prosecutor's office. I knew she would need to somehow prove I was an unfit parent, and after finding the card I knew what her plan was. After September 20th, she baited me mercilessly. She has said hurtful things, she used the kids against me, she played mind games with my belongings. Through it all I said nothing. Not a single word. I couldn't trust myself to "Say Anything".

If I opened my mouth, I wasn't sure what would come out, and I knew if I so much as breathed the word "bitch" the cops would be at my front door.

Did my plan work? I still ended up in jail, so I'd call that a solid "fail". I think all my silence did was anger her and make her more desperate by refusing to engage. I'm not saying she would have behaved any differently, but my silence only made it easier for her to demonize me and 'raised the pressure'.

If I had it to do over again, I would probably try to keep talking. Very carefully.

Father Pat told me over and over - keep talking. He warned me that my wife might do something rash, but he kept pressing the fact that cutting off communication wouldn't get me where I needed to go. He was right. Now, in my defense, Father Pat is no better at communication with his ex than I am. Apparently, it's a lot easier to talk about talking than it is to actually take the risk.

After I got out of jail and the prosecutor's office declined to issue a warrant, the second call I made was to my ex-wife. I didn't call to gloat or pick a fight. I called because I know that not talking is no longer an option.

After being arrested, the case report is turned over to the prosecutor's office. The prosecutor will review the file to determine if "probable cause" exists. Probable cause means that there is a likelihood that a crime has occurred. If there is a finding of probable cause, an arrest warrant is issued and presented to a judge. The judge reviews the warrant and if approved, you will be formally charged and have your bond set. In my case, the arrest warrant was denied by the prosecutor. Which makes complete sense since the only crime that occurred was my ex-wife assaulting me. My record is clean, but my picture and prints are now on file.

The only way either one of us is going to be able to move forward is by working together and learning to compromise. I'm not saying it's going to work, I only know my previous strategy was doomed to fail.

Wish me luck.