Yeah, why "Letting Go?" Why not something clever?
For me, "Letting Go" has been the single hardest part of my divorce. I find myself wrestling with it almost every day. In my brain and even in my heart I understand and accept that a significant phase of my life is over (and it's never coming back). But the familiarity is still there. Have you ever found yourself unconsciously driving to work on a Saturday morning when you're supposed to be taking the kids to swimming lessons or soccer practice? It's more muscle memory than any conscious decision. For fifteen years I lived, ate, slept and loved a certain way. That changed forever on August 24th when I was served my divorce papers. Yet I still find myself falling into old patterns. It could be as simple as seeing an ad in a magazine and thinking "Gina would like that", or picking up the phone to ask her to pick up a prescription from Target.
Before realizing the only thing she'd bring me is poison.
The thing you have to understand is that I was genuinely happy before my divorce. I loved being married and I loved my wife. Unfortunately, a big contributor to my happiness was probably a general obliviousness to the unhappiness of my ex-wife. I'm not saying I was responsible for her unhappiness - I think I was probably one of the few good things in her life. What I am saying is that I should have at least recognized her unhappiness. I'm not known as being particularly "observant" when it comes to members of the opposite sex. Imagine a drunk trying to find his keys in the dark after being pepper-sprayed. That's me.
Oh, the stories I could tell...
I often thought about installing a sandwich board near the front door that my ex-wife could have posted important events that needed my attention. Things like "new haircut yesterday" or "our anniversary is tomorrow". It probably wouldn't have saved our marriage but it might have saved me a lot of grief. My oversight wasn't due to selfishness or self involvement either - I've occasionally forgotten my own birthday. It's not intentional, it's just a problem with my wiring. The two most important days of my life were probably the births of my children, yet Tuesday when filling out their paperwork for school I had to stop and think to remember their birthdays.
I then confirmed them on my divorce papers. Only thing they've been good for.
When your wife has made it clear that she no longer wishes to be married (for instance, by having you served divorce papers) it's difficult to accept. I think the five stages of grief are crap pop psychology, but may be appropriate in this instance. If you took Psych 101 you know that in 1969 Elisabeth Kubler-Ross published the five stage grief model. The model proposes that grief occurs in five distinct stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. My problem with the model is that it is overly simplistic and implies a linear approach to the process of grief. In my personal experience (here we go...) grief is more complex. I feel the stages are indistinct and non-linear. Often I jump from one stage to another (and back) all in the same paragraph. To me, it appears much more fluid than the sharply delineated process Kubler-Ross proposed.
But then again, my scientific background in psychology extends all the way through Psych 102. So I might be mistaken.
In many ways being rejected by your spouse is worse than his or her death. If your spouse dies you don't sit alone at night wondering what (if anything) you did to deserve this. Your dead relative won't continue to lie to you. Instead of losing half of your stuff you get life insurance. And best of all, you get the satisfaction of knowing that you both fulfilled your wedding vows instead of falling into easily broken promises. What I am trying to say is that divorce is by its nature a divisive, painful process that takes time. From what I've learned, a lot of time. For men the average appears to be one to three years, for women slightly longer.
I named this blog "Letting Go" for the simple reason that it's my objective for this whole process. I'm entering a new phase of life that offers new challenges and new rewards. I want to be ready to take advantage of every opportunity that presents itself. I want to grow and become the best Bob Kraus possible. Think Lloyd Dobler after he got the pen from Diane Court in 'Say Anything'.
And the only way to do any of that is for me to learn to "Let Go".
I just wrote a long comment about your post but blogger ate it. Basically, I've read thousands of narrative essays from English 101 and most of the students, young and old, never really comprehend a major loss of any sort. They feel pain but never think about it to the point that they heal. I hope writing helps but it seems like you're on the right path.
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