You've Got to Play the Cards You're Dealt

Last week I was invited to Mark Giaco's (not his real name) almost annual Labor Day poker party. Mark is the oldest brother of my kids' godfather, Uncle Dave. Mark is a real man's man - not a pussy like me and my friends who grew up in the '80s. Mark came of age in the 70's. He was the guy I wanted to be when I was 13 years old - except 50 pounds lighter and much, much more handsome (me, that is). When I was growing up, Mark had it all - the long hair, the jet black Camaro and he always wore a killer black leather vest with bell bottoms. Think Freddie Prinze or a young John Travolta. But uglier, of course.

Mark's party attracts the same band of misfits and malcontents pretty much every year. We all have a great time and since Mark and his friends are terrible poker players it doesn't cost me much money. But this year was a little different. Sitting at the table I realized there were nine divorces between the eight guys that showed up. On the one hand I shouldn't be surprised. I mean, how else would eight guys have a free evening on a Sunday night? But on the other I realized how common divorce really is.

At first, the thought of nine divorces was unsettling. Does any marriage really stand a chance? Of the eight guys, the two Giaco brothers are both still on their first marriages (nice job!). That left six of us. We had one three-time loser, two two-timers, one one-timer and me. The new guy joining the club. Those are some really crappy odds.

I did very little research and found the following at 'divorcestatistics.org'.

For American marriages:

          Marriage:                         Divorce Statistics:
          First Marriage                 45% to 50% end in divorce
          Second Marriage             60% to 67% end in divorce
          Third Marriage               70% to 73% end in divorce
          Source of Divorce Statistics: Jennifer Baker, Forest Institute of Professional Psychology,Springfield

Yikes! Who in their right mind gets married a third time knowing there is a 70% chance you'll get divorced? If I told you I'll give you ten dollars but there is a 72% chance that I'm going to poke you in the eye really, really hard and take all your money you'd tell me to get bent. But it's painfully obvious that in 21st century America multiple marriage is becoming common.

That led me to thinking about the affect of religion on divorce rates. I'd heard anecdotal evidence supporting the theory the "the family that prays together stays together". And Lord knows there are literally hundreds of people praying for me.

I've been the hot topic in Mrs. Turner's prayer group more than once.

So what are the facts?

We'll once again I did as little research as possible and stumbled across Religious Tolerance.org, an Ontario based group that does religious comparison.  You can find their article at http://www.religioustolerance.org/chr_dira.htm.  I've cherry picked a few of the best parts.

         Religion                   % Have Been Divorced
         Jewish                                       30%
         Born-Again Christians            27%
         Other Christians                      24%
         Atheists, Agnostics                   21%

Wha wha wha??? Atheists and agnostics have the lowest divorce rate? These statistics must be flawed right? The data was collected by the Barna Research Group and was released Dec 1999 from a study of 3,854 adults from all 48 contiguous states. The margin of error is +/- 2 percentage points. Yikes. Sounds sort of scientifically valid.

So what does it mean? Well, here's one viewpoint:

Ron Barrier, Spokesperson for American Atheists said:

"These findings confirm what I have been saying these last five years. Since Atheist ethics are of a higher caliber than religious morals, it stands to reason that our families would be dedicated more to each other than to some invisible monitor in the sky.  With Atheism, women and men are equally responsible for a healthy marriage.  There is no room in Atheist ethics for the type of 'submissive' nonsense preached by Baptists and other Christian and/or Jewish groups.  Atheists reject, and rightly so, the primitive patriarchal attitudes so prevalent in many religions with respect to marriage."

As an Atheist, I'm slightly embarrassed. I doubt my "morals" are of any higher caliber. I think it is more likely that Atheists might be more practical and self-sufficient than the general population. We can't depend on some outside entity to solve our problems and tend to our needs. Also, I think the critical thinking required to be an Atheist may lend itself to better decision making up front and a greater likelihood to accept reality (as opposed to denial). The Cincinnati Rambler made a great point that perhaps Atheists and Agnostics see less pressure to get married and perhaps co-habitate, skewing the numbers.

Or God hates Christians. That would be so cool.

Among self-identified religious Christians it's even more interesting.

        Denomination                % Who Have Been Divorced
        Non-Denominational                          34%
        Baptists                                                29%
        Mainline Protestants                          25%
        Mormons                                             24%
        Catholics                                              21%
        Lutherans                                            21%

The non-denominational are Evangelical Conservative Christians. You know, the ones who "know it all" and hate abortion, Democrats and gays? Those guys. Apparently conservative Evangelical ministries are simply not very good at ministering to families. They talk a good game, but they don't provide the practical support that the Lutheran or Catholic churches provide.

On the other hand, the Catholics may actually be on to something. Their divorce rate is identical to Atheists and Agnostics. This supports my suspicion that the majority of American Catholics are actually closeted agnostics bowing to family pressure. Catholic Social Services does try their very best to help families and children in trouble and this particular statistic supports their efforts.

What does any of this have to do with the poker game? Like all members of the shit sandwich club, the guys were generally supportive and understanding. They offered the same encouragement and hope for the future that I've heard a hundred times. Joe Faga (name changed) even offered to give me a hand-job to cheer me up. Thankfully, I wasn't that sad or that drunk.

We've reached the point where I tell you what I learned from this little exercise. We all have to play the cards we are dealt. At its heart marriage is a crap shoot. You can make all the right decisions and play all your cards perfectly and still lose. There are happy, successful Evangelical Christian families and bitter divorced Atheists (like me). You need brains, but you also need a little luck.

One hopeful thought I want to leave you with is that Jim Grodzicki has been happily married for over 30 years after his second divorce. Perhaps some people just take longer to get it right. Or perhaps you can't be afraid to go all-in even after losing a couple pots.

Thanks again for a great evening Mark.