How to Properly Host a Pity Party

I've been a little irritable lately. By "a little irritable" I mean I'm primed and ready to explode. I'm doing all the right things (exercising, eating once in a while, getting at least three hours of sleep a night) yet the stress of "the process" is getting to me.

Earlier this week I inadvertently took out some of my frustration on the Princess of Darkness. The Princess suggested a time limit for my "pity party" and I lost it. Looking at it now, the remark was rather innocuous. I don't believe there was any malice intended, but man did it piss me off.

I responded rather mildly, all things considered. I didn't even drop an F-bomb, which for me is using kid gloves. But I was still wrong. If she ever calls me I probably owe her an apology.

Good thing no one ever calls.

So why does the idea of a "pity party" piss me off so much? Probably because it implies that the guest of honor (me) is a passive observer. I'm a problem solver. Give me any situation and I'll examine the strategic and tactical objectives and quickly develop and implement a plan of action. It might blow up in my face, but I'll damn well go down swinging.

Okay, it often blows up in my face.

I think that's a guy thing. I'm generalizing, but since it's my blog I can pretty much do what I want. Women seem to want to talk about their problems just to talk. Men talk to get solutions.

When a friend says "I can't sleep." I respond "Go see your doctor and get some Xanax." Problem solved, right?

If that friend has a vagina, then no. You fail. Epic fail in fact. You've probably inadvertently pissed her off by telling her what to do.

I was going to say 'boobs', but that can get confusing when you have as many 40 year old male friends as I do. We all have boobs to some degree.

If your friend is a woman, the correct response is probably more like "Why can't you sleep?" Or "What's keeping you up?" or even "Oh, that's terrible. Tell me all about it." I've jacked that one up more times than I care to admit. I fall into this trap with Sister Laurie all the time.

Add it to the list of 'Shit I Learned The Hard Way'.

Sitting passively while things happen around me just isn't my style. I think that is a major cause of the stress I'm feeling about the process. I asked my attorney last week during our lovely face to face "Is there any way to get this moving along?"

His response was pretty simple. "No."

He glanced lovingly at my wallet as he explained that Macomb County has a well defined process and the clock was already running. Everything that is required - Friend of the Court, custody hearings, meetings with the referee and couples counseling was moving forward according to the pre-defined timetable. There was simply nothing for us to do. Well, other than waste money fighting my wife's frivolous motions and filing our own motions to protect my parental and property rights.

Tick-tock cha-ching!

When I'm in my attorney's office all I can think about is how I'm being charged by the minute. My whole goal is to get in and get out as fast as possible. I don't even want to shake his hand. That action alone probably cost me $5.  Our reviews are like some deranged speed dating.

Him "How do you want to respond?"

Me "Tell her no. Next question!"

Him "Do you have any other concerns?"

Me "No! I gave you all my concerns in writing."

Him "Are you sure?"

Me "Yes! Can I go now?"

You would think I had Icy Hot in my undershorts the way I wiggle and squirm in his office.

For those of you who don't live in Michigan, Michigan state law requires a six month waiting period before a divorce can be finalized where minor children are involved. It doesn't matter if you and your wife have agreed to everything right down to the penny. If you have a son who's 17 years 182 days old, you wait six months.

If any of you care about the process in Michigan, it's pretty straightforward. One of the spouses first files a complaint for divorce. Effectively, you are suing your spouse. It's not much different from suing your neighbor over his fence being on your property.

That is followed by the summons. The court assigns a process server to track you down and hand you your divorce papers when you least expect it. This is typically right before your life hits bottom. I suggest you have your friends on speed dial before this point.

After the service, comes discovery. You and your spouse disclose EVERYTHING to your attorneys. Every asset, every tax return, every debt. At this point your attorneys know exactly how much they are going to bill you for. There will be depositions and your spouse will try to present anything and everything to show that you are a total piece of crap that deserves to give her all your money in perpetuity and never be allowed to see your kids without supervision.

During discovery the friend of the court (FOC) will also get involved. The FOC will make recommendations on child custody, child support, visitation and division of property to the judge.

Finally, there will be a hearing. If there are still open issues, the hearing will become a trial. And yes, you can petition for a jury trial in Michigan. I'm not sure why anyone would want to go through a jury trial, but it does happen. At the conclusion of the trial the the judge will enter a judgment for the dissolution of the marriage as well as child custody, support and visitation.

If you still have questions, just Google "Divorce Process in Michigan". You'll get over 5 million results. Really - try it.

There are no shortage of divorce attorneys ready and willing to encourage you to "File first." They'll tell you anything to get you to file. I'll get you the kids! You can keep the house! Yes, I can get him to pay you an obscene amount of spousal support! Sure, I can make your wife wear a scarlet 'A' when she leaves the house! Whatever you want! It's terrible actually. The plain fact of the matter is that it doesn't matter who files first. What does matter is who is willing to compromise their integrity to get what they want. The one who is willing to slither lower will probably be the 'winner'. This is one game where fair play is penalized and being the bigger person only makes you the bigger target.


I'm taking a beating on this one, but I'm leaving with my integrity. It may be all I leave with, but I'm pretty sure I'll be holding my head high at the end.

If there is one thing I haven't done yet, it's been to feel sorry for myself. Frankly, I haven't had time. I feel sorry for my kids and what my soon to be ex-wife is putting them through. I feel sorry for my friends who are putting up with my bullshit.

Sorry friends...

I even feel sorry for my wife. She still has no idea what she has gotten herself into or what is coming her way once this process starts rolling.

But no, I don't feel sorry for myself. Not yet anyway.