Things I Want In A Dance Partner

I need an intervention. I've been listening to way too much Alanis Morissette.

My kids like to play with the radio in the car. Since they have the attention spans of a couple over-caffeinated hummingbirds, I have never actually heard the second verse of any song in their presence.

Similar to most Americans and the "Star Spangled Banner". The second verse is... well... not good. If you care to read it, click here.

A note about my car. I'm currently driving a red 2011 Mustang convertible. It's my company car. To call the media player in this car a "radio" is like calling the Motorola Droid X a "phone". In fact, other than NPR, I haven't listened to terrestrial radio in over four years. My iPod is "Sync'd" directly to the media center and the kids have access to about 10,000 songs. They, of course, listen to three: "Teenage Dream", "Last Friday Night" and "California Gurls" all off Katy Perry's new album. Over and over. Day and night.

Their current favorite is "Last Friday Night", which I must admit is a catchy tune. They know all of the words. Consequently, my daughter recently asked what "Menage a Trois" was. I told her I didn't speak French. If you've heard the song you'll understand.

On the other hand, would it have been possible for her to have asked anyone less qualified than me to answer that question? I think I would have to look it up.


No, I'm not looking it up for you - do it yourself. Pervert.

I'll try to stay on topic.

On the media center there is a"similar music" button. This function will randomly skip to a song the system thinks is similar to what you are currently listening to. My kids love it. I swear that portion of the touch screen is wearing out under the little finger prints.

They kept pushing and eventually the song "Torch" by Alanis Morissette popped on. It's a touching song about the regret and loss associated with the end of a relationship.

They were instantly bored.

But by then we were turning into the garage and they quickly dispersed. End of story, right? Not quite. The way the software in the car works is that when you shut down, it'll start playing the album of the last song played. In this case that was "Flavors of Entanglement".

I think the album was written right after she broke up with Ryan Reynolds. It's filled with regret, loss and grief. Like me.

Well "Flavors of Entanglement" let to "Jagged Little Pill", which led to "So Called Chaos", which led to "Under Rug Swept". Consequently, I've been thinking a lot about loss. No surprise there. And that's where our story begins.

I was listening to "21 Things I Want In A Lover" off the "Under Rug Swept" album for the sixth or seventh time when it dawned on me that I didn't have a plan. "I'd like to pretend I have a choice in the matter" so I decided to put together a list of what I'll be looking for in my next dance partner. Granted, it'll be quite a while before I'm back on the dance floor, but it doesn't mean I can't prepare for that day. I also think this particular exercise is good because it's forward looking, as opposed to dwelling on my present situation.

That's becoming a familiar theme in this blog - looking ahead as opposed to analyzing the past. "Moving Forward" is coming.

So, with that we are off.

1) Must be a woman. I know, why exclude half the population right off the bat, right? Unfortunately, I'm pretty inflexible on this one.

Yeah, I know, most of my facebook pictures would indicate the opposite. Let's pretend that I don't photograph well.

2) Joie de vivre. She must think of life as a journey and take advantage of every day we are gifted with. I need someone who takes life by the throat and lives in the moment. I spent the last twenty years being responsible and living with an eye to the future. Now that I've hit middle age, I kind of wonder what I was saving for?

"Joie de vivre" is literally translated as "the joy of living" or "the joy of life". It's often corrupted to "joie de vie" which is "joy for life". I prefer the traditional. My usage implies a cheerful enjoyment of life and living, or a happy spirit.

Good thing I don't speak French, right?

You should hear my pronunciation of French. It is atrocious. The French feel so sorry for me they immediately switch to English.

3) Good with kids. If she can't deal with my kids, I can't deal with her.

4) Good-natured, healthy sense of humor that is compatible with my snark and stupidity. She doesn't necessarily have to laugh at my jokes, just put up with them. If I have to, I'm even willing to explain them to her.

Like I do with you people.

It's more important that she makes me laugh. And no jokes at other people's expense - well, except for me. A mild self-deprecating sense of humor is good too. It implies she doesn't take herself too seriously and is comfortable in her own skin.

5) Personal integrity. No liars or cheats. I'm not even talking about sex - I want the type of woman that when a cashier gives her the wrong change she points out the mistake and gives the money back. I prefer someone who would rather tell me the truth than tell me what's convenient. The Ex has a very hard time telling right from wrong. I dealt with that once - not again.

6) Intellectually stimulating. I have to find her interesting. This doesn't mean she has to be the evil genius I am, it just means she has to have a broad range of interests that roughly parallel or supplement mine.

I want to be able to have an intelligent conversation. She needs to have strong views and opinions that she is capable of, and willing to, defend. Basically, I don't care what type of books and magazines she reads, she just has to read something. The deeper the better. And if she's versed in topics I didn't even know existed, bonus points!

I think this pretty much implies she has to be a college graduate, though it would be possible to meet this requirement without a degree. Life experience counts.

7) Self-confidence. No shrinking violets. She should also be comfortable with her own body image.

8) Sense of adventure and a willingness to try new things. No fear. I think this will come hand in hand with #2. I want a woman that finds nothing wrong with visiting a nudist camp to see your eccentric Uncle. Or taking ballroom dance lessons "just because".

The nudist camp is a story for a different post. A good one, but not today. Trust me, none of you want to think about me playing naked Bocce Ball.

I'm not saying she has to be a nudist. I'm not a nudist. At least, I don't think I am...

How many times do you have to go to be a "member"?

I'm just saying she should at least be open to considering the idea.

9) Firmly grounded in reality. No magical thinking. I'm a realist and I have very little patience for people who believe in things like 9/11 conspiracies, psychics (other than for entertainment), homeopathy, alien abduction, not vaccinating your children, spirits / ghosts, herbal supplements (that have been proven not to work) or "The Secret".

Religion is okay as long as they don't expect me to participate. I like the sense of community and support that comes with church, I just wish they could do it without the imaginary stuff.

10) Able to admit when she is wrong, apologize and move on. The Ex was completely incapable of this. In the entire time we were married I don't recall her ever saying "I'm sorry" and meaning it.

Key point, if you ever find yourself in a hole, the first step to recovery is to stop digging.

11) Demonstrates kindness towards others. If she can't treat strangers with respect and kindness, eventually she'll do the same to you. I've seen too many people suck up to me because of my position, only to treat a waitress, cashier, employee or secretary with complete disrespect. I won't put up with this.

"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'" - Matthew 25:40


Who ever thought they would see a Bible verse in one of my posts? Hands?

It's a great way to live your life. And not be a prick.

12) Reasonably athletic, active and interested in things that I enjoy. I want someone I can do things with. Long walks, hiking, swimming, biking, golf, bowling, softball, camping, fishing, sex. Pretty much anything. If she stays active, I'll stay active.

I like the fact I've lost all the weight and my current plan is to keep it off. We'll see if I'm successful.

13) Interested in and entertained by watching both professional (or college) baseball and football. Especially football. There is nothing better than attending a high school or college game in the fall. Except playing, but not at my age.

I don't even care what teams she roots for.

Well, except the Yankees. That might be a deal breaker.

14) Allergic to Fox News. I'm a progressive Democrat. Sorry ladies, but I don't see how I could ever date a conservative - except for maybe grudge sex. There's just not enough common ground anymore.

Good thing most conservatives look like the Crypt Keeper.

This includes being pro-choice. I respect the motivation behind the pro-life crowd, it's just not for me.

15) Fulfilling career. She needs to have a job that provides her with a sense of satisfaction and that takes up a good percentage of her time. I'm not interested in being the center of anyone's universe.

Having the right job is a rewarding experience and adds depth to a personality. I think it makes anyone more interesting.

It also wouldn't hurt her financial stability.

16) An even temper. I don't want someone who is overly emotional or flies off the handle at the slightest provocation. I want someone who can laugh off the small speed bumps in life and doesn't get discouraged by minor setbacks.

No drama queens or rage-aholics.

17) No drugs. Unless she shares.

18) Assertive. I want a woman who is not afraid to tell me when I'm wrong or call bullshit on my frequent bullshit. My dance partner needs to be willing to stand up for herself and what she believes in. I see more than enough "Yes Men" and "Yes Women" at work. I don't need that on my personal time.

19) Ability to compromise. Yeah, #18 could be a real problem if it's not accompanied by its more reasonable partner, compromise.

20) Broad life experience. This supplements #6 - intellectual stimulation. I want someone that has lived a full life and has both the memories and scars to prove it. I want someone who has loved and lost. I want someone who has experienced at least a taste of what the world offers. Someone who has traveled enough to understand that not everyone is like us, yet has spent enough time at home to remain grounded.

This is the main reason I just don't see myself with a younger woman. I don't see how a much younger woman could maintain my interest for more than 90 minutes.

21) Sexually uninhibited. I'm talking frequent hot, sweaty, monkey sex that curls my toes.

Yeah, I left the best for last.

We All Die Alone

This is not my best work. I had two comedic posts ready to go, but this week has been so crappy I had to puke this out. In fact, "puking out" is an apt metaphor. Until I get garbage like this out I have a hell of a time moving on. I don't necessarily feel this way any more - consider it a picture of a moment in time.

If this was a song, it'd be a 'B' side. Definitely not album material, but not quite bad enough for the wastebasket. Hopefully I'll feel better by Sunday and I'll get the good stuff out.

You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. - Exodus 20:16

Lately, I've been in a very dark place. It seems like my entire existence is based on lies, betrayal and failure. My wife has cut me off from almost all contact with my children, the courts are unable to help and every day it seems I am being falsely accused of a new crime. Fighting back is out of the question, as I am unwilling and unable to hurt my kids - their mother has done more than enough of that. I am being buried under a thick black cloud of anger and hate and all I can do is "abide".

I am becoming comfortable with betrayal. My wife betrayed me when she left me. My children betrayed me at the urging of my wife when they lied to the authorities. My mother-in-law betrayed me when she signed the falsified affidavit provided by my wife. And now I have come to find out that my best friend betrayed me when he chose not to tell me what my wife had planned - from her abandonment all the way through her false accusations of child abuse.

But as for the cowardly, the faithless, the detestable, as for murderers, the sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars, their portion will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which is the second death. - Revelations 21:8

I don't handle failure very well. I'm okay with losing. If you lose, someone else beat you. When you fail you beat yourself. I've seen and experienced a lot of failure lately. The obvious failure of my marriage. My failure in protecting my children from my ex-wife's manipulations. My failures at work. My failures toward my friends and family.

If I had been smarter or more attentive could I have stopped any of this? Probably not. My ex-wife made her decision. My failure was in choosing to marry her in the first place. I overlooked her obvious character flaws - her inability to tell right from wrong, her manipulative nature, her deceitfulness, her callous disregard for the feelings of others, her inability to recognize her mistakes. I saw all this, but I ignored it. I ignored the obvious because I thought that "love" would be enough to plaster over her problems. I thought that I could help her, to change her. I was so very wrong and now my children get to pay the price for my mistake.

There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are an abomination to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that make haste to run to evil, a false witness who breathes out lies, and one who sows discord among brothers. - Proverbs 6:16-19

I failed in so many ways.

Up until very recently, the worst day of my life was November 20th, 2001. That was the day my father died. You should understand that my father was my best friend and role model. He was (and is) the standard that I try to live my life to. The day he was taken from me was the saddest day of my life.

I was with him when he passed. I travelled from Kansas City to be with him at the end. For some reason it was important to me that he not die alone. You have to understand that my mother never really cared for my father the entire time I was growing up. And she certainly wasn't about to start after he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in February. I think the only reason they stayed married was because, to my father, a "promise is a promise" and my mother had nowhere else to go.

My father's end was long and painful, as is typical for this disease. The tumors spread throughout the digestive tract, slowly and steadily choking off all flow. The final end is caused by starvation and dehydration. It's a terrible way to die, even with morphine.

Prior to his death, my wife had chosen to return to Kansas City because she "didn't like hospitals." She was very selfish that way. She is very selfish about everything. My wife will offer some excuse related to her pregnancy - that she couldn't fly.  She had no trouble flying to Cleveland, or flying back to Kansas City, but apparently staying the additional four days was out of the question. She actually returned to Kansas City to work - her job waiting tables was more important to her. Throughout our marriage I could always count on my wife not being there when I needed her most. My son wasn't due for over five weeks and to the best of my knowledge they had hospitals and doctors in Cleveland. No, she chose not to be there. Life is about choices and I could always count on my wife to make bad ones.

Let's not kid ourselves, my ex-wife is not a nice person. Or a good person. No, when you coerce your only son to bear false witness against his father for your own gain you are no longer a good person.

A false witness will not go unpunished, and he who breathes out lies will not escape. - Proverbs 19:5

When my Dad finally passed I was holding his hand. He had no idea I was there. For all intents and purposes, he was alone. He was unconscious for at least twelve hours before death finally came, but even unconscious he still suffered. His face was continuously pinched with pain. When the last death rattle passed I collapsed and could only ask "How am I supposed to do this alone?" I have no idea who I expected to answer in that cold, empty room. Where was God while my father spent more than two days suffering and dying? I was there, and I can tell you that much like my wife, God did not show up to comfort my father.

After my Dad passed, I was alone. Perhaps I was always alone. Are we all born from the dark only to return whence we came?

"We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone." - Orson Welles


 How would you know if your life was an illusion?

Could You Be Loved?

I love Bob Marley's "Could You Be Loved?" Not just because of my misspent youth. I love the message. It's basically a simple jam without any great verses. But there's a ribbon of hope threaded throughout. The question is pretty straightforward "Could you be loved?" I'd like to think yes, but I wonder...

"You ain't gonna miss your water until your well runs dry."

True dat. How many ways can you say you don't know what you've got until it's gone?

Best Friend Brian said something that hit me between the eyes like a two by four. He said "Your wife viewed your marriage as a contract." I think he was right. And when the market soured, she liquidated her interest. I don't know that my wife ever truly loved me, at least not in the way I loved her.

I think I was just in the right place at the right time. When we met, she was broke and living at home with her parents. She hated it. I had a job and offered her a way out. I don't think I was Mr. Right, I think I was Mr. Convenient. I was comfortable and safe. So no, I don't think she ever loved me in the way I grew to love her.

Back to the question at hand "Could you be loved?"

"Say something! Say something!"

I think most people are worthy of love. We all have something to offer. So what is love? My definition is that love is when you affect another person in a way that makes them better for having known you. And when knowing them makes you a better person. My love for my wife made her a better person. I saw this almost every day. I saw things in her that even she didn't.

Curiously, since my wife left I seem to have become a better person without her. I am happier with myself than I have been in years. Sure, life is tough right now, but it seems to have brought out the best in me.

But that's not what I want to talk about.

"Could you be loved?"

For most of my life I have been emotionally unavailable. I preferred to "keep my distance" and held others at arms length to protect myself from being let down or disappointed. Consequently, I have always had a lot more 'acquaintances' than I had 'true friends' and making friends has always been a chore.

I think I developed this as a coping mechanism when I was much, much younger. Growing up, my mother was emotionally distant and I may have learned the behavior from her. I generally didn't let people get close to me and I rarely shared my true feelings with anyone. In college I could count my true friends on one hand, and three of them lived out of town. Prior to my divorce there were many people in my life who I loved very, very much and yet never told them how important they were to me.

"Say something! Say something!"

This may help to explain why I have only been "in love" twice in my life. I'm not sure if two times is normal or about right. I don't know how many times a man is expected to be in love. Truth be told, I haven't had to think about it for a very long time.

The first time I fell in love, it didn't go well. I fell in love with a friend who also wasn't emotionally available. It wasn't intentional and I certainly didn't mean to fall in love with her. It just 'happened'. My friend was damaged by a previous relationship. When I met her she was in a different place than me. Intellectually I think I understood that men and women cannot be friends. Romantic entanglements are almost unavoidable - it's genetics, or chemistry. I had never successfully been 'just friends' with a woman.

Against the odds (and my better judgement) we hit it off.

We hung out on and off for more than a year. I grew to depend on her and looked forward to her frequent visits. We spent countless hours doing absolutely nothing. We grew closer and for a while she became my best friend and confidant. It took months before she let me see her for who she really was. She tried so hard to come across as hard and unflappable - an irresponsible party girl. That was just the armor she wore to keep from appearing vulnerable or being hurt again. But it wasn't who she really was underneath. Underneath she was thoughtful, loyal, sensitive and kind.

And worthy of my love.

"Could you be loved and be loved?"

I remember sitting in the dark on the world's ugliest couch looking out onto Jefferson Avenue after some stupid party. She was wearing the crimson plaid dress that by all rights should have looked silly but was somehow fantastic on her petite frame. Her straight brown hair was pinned back off her ear by a small red clip or beret. We spent what seemed like hours talking about life in our private little corner of the universe. I was sitting behind her and caught the unmistakable strawberry scent from her hair. She turned her head in such a way that her face was silhouetted in the lights from the passing cars. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. If this was a movie, it was the moment I should have kissed her. But I couldn't. I was so confused and afraid. That was the Princess of Darkness. She was my friend and my first love.

I knew she was broken from her previous relationship and I didn't know how to fix her. I was so concerned about ruining our friendship that I couldn't or wouldn't take advantage of the moment. I was sabotaged by my own insecurities and self doubt.

I didn't believe that I was worthy of being loved. I'm still not convinced.

That is my one regret.

"Could you be loved and be loved?"

Fast forward several months. My unrequited and unresolved feelings poisoned our friendship. My friend sensed this, but didn't know how to react. She blocked it out and wouldn't discuss it. Eventually she moved away and I was left with the stench of my cowardice and failure. Our friendship ended because I refused to end our friendship. I refused to make the leap of faith required to shock her system. To get her out of her protective cocoon. To let her know "She could be loved."

"Say something! Say something!"

Since my wife left me I am emotionally broken - almost crippled. I've lost control of my feelings and I am unable to keep anything inside. Now that I am the one who is irreparably broken, I'm left with only the question, "Could I be loved?"

I just don't know...